


Can't Go Back

by Orianth



Category: Castlevania (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-08-14 17:06:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16496705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orianth/pseuds/Orianth
Summary: Sypha grows weary of Trevor's bemoaning and sends him back home.  Takes place after season two.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is solely cartoon based, as noted by the tag. The show left a lot of holes and I'm filling them as I see fit, whether that's a good or bad thing. :P

“What, Trevor, what?! Tell me what is wrong, I’m begging you!” When Trevor only hacked a laugh while keeping a firm stare at the horse’s ass, Sypha scoffed. “I swear, you’re going to drive me insane if you not-so-subtlety groan or huff or shake your head one more time!”

Trevor slurred a chuckle. “I have no clue what you’re talking about. Nothing’s wrong. Why in the world would anything be wrong? It’s a beautiful day. The sun is bright. The birds are chirping. Life is fucking fantastic.”

“Oh, something is definitely wrong.” Sypha leaned to the side a bit, giving Trevor a good, hard stare, before she swung out her hand. “You were fine four hours ago. Now—Now I get the feeling you don’t even want to be here.”

“Trust me, dear, there’s no other place I’d rather be,” Trevor drawled with a slanted grin. But, for once, he wished his words hadn’t dripped with sarcasm, because he would have liked to convince himself as well.

He didn’t know why his mind kept going back to the home he’d grown up in and abandoned with less-than-optimal efficiency. And back to the towering structure Alucard had been raised in. And apparently had even been loved in under his parents’ doting care. The idea of Alucard laughing, being loved even, he couldn’t picture it. But, yeah, he’d been trying to picture it for a good three hours now. Because, once he’d started thinking about it, he found he couldn’t stop.

Really, had the reasons to leave Alucard all alone in a barren, crumbing place been sound?

Well, sure as fuck they’d been. It wasn’t as if the half-vampire had showed even the slightest interest in tagging along. No, he certainly hadn’t. No. Alucard had ties to his home, memories that meant something to him. The guy wanted to be there.

Trevor, on the other hand, didn’t have ties. None at all. That should have been proven the last time he’d left his home without a backwards glance. Especially after he’d started drinking himself into a stupor every night. And day. And every moment in between. And fucked everything that moved. And attempted to beat the shit out of everything else. All while trying his damnedest to forget he’d ever had a home.

Trevor groaned again.

“See!”

Trevor snorted. “Look, I just...”

How could he even put it into words? Especially when he didn’t even know what his own thoughts meant. His mind was an absolute fucking mess and he had no idea how to sperate it all when he felt something in his gut that was akin to dread. Really, it was like an itch right between his dick and his balls and, with Sypha sitting right there, staring at him with her parental-like disapproval, he wasn’t about to dive his hand in for a good scratch.

God, maybe he just needed a good, long, well-fermented drink. And a fuck. A fuck would have been nice...

“I think you should go back.”

Trevor jerked his head to the left to stare back at her. “Go back? Whatever for?”

“Do you really need it spelled out for you?” She snorted, shook her head, and finally broke her stare. Her fingernails scraped at the apparently much more interesting edge of her heavy cloak. “Obviously, you have unfinished business. The farther we travel, the more it’s obvious you want to go right back.” She exhaled slowly, suddenly looking so worn that Trevor felt a touch ashamed for being the cause of it. “I’ll be fine.”

“Sypha, I don’t want to go back. I—”

“I don’t care what you want right now. Because I don’t think you have a clue what you want, Trevor.” She grabbed the reigns from his hands and pulled, bringing the horse to a stop. “I don’t know if you ever really did. Now, get off this wagon before I plant my foot on your ass and shove you out. And then, after you’ve figured out whatever unfinished business you have, when you’re sure you’ve finished it...” She smiled at him. “Then you can come back to me. For now, I’ll find my people. I’ll tell them what has happened. I’ll share my stories, while you figure out yours.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea...”

“Why, exactly?” She raised a brow at him. “Because I’m a girl?”

“No... Because I know what’s out there.”

Sypha tilted her head, curiosity all over her face, and then her smile grew until she was considerably brighter than the sun heading towards the horizon. “If I’ve proven anything through our time together, it’s the fact that I can hold my own. I laid my fears in the dust, and we faced Dracula together. After laying down his minions, I might add.” She huffed with a small shake of her head. “The things we’ve been through... But through everything, I didn’t stop fighting until the end, until he was dead.” She touched his arm again. “I worry more about you, but not because... You’re strong. How you are, I have no clue, considering how you’ve buried so much of your past, hid behind your less than ideal habits. I mean, our past, our stories are so important because they make us strong, decide our future, help protect us from it.” Her grip tightened. “Just... Take care of this. Deal with it, so you can come back to me without this weight on you. I promise, I’ll wait for you. Now get out!”

A flash of movement, planting her foot against his hip, she shoved hard. Trevor lost his balance and was forced to grab the side of the wagon to keep from toppling out.

“What the fuck, Sypha?!”

She kept shoving until he started getting out of his own free will.

“Okay, okay! I’m getting out.” Once his feet were on the ground, he added, “But I really don’t know what you think I’m going to find going back there.”

“You’ll find yourself, Trevor.” She grabbed a pack of supplies from the back of the wagon and tossed it to him. “Or at least I hope so.” She pursed her lips. “Then again, maybe that’s too much to ask.”

He scoffed but grinned at her. “We could always go back together. And you can help me find myself, or whatever such nonsense you think is going to happen.”

“No, I need to find my people, make sure they’re safe. We’ll meet in Braila. Find something to hock when you go back and buy yourself a horse. At the speed this wagon goes, you’ll probably still beat me."

“Okay, but—”

Not giving him a chance to finish the words, she urged the wagon with a flick of her wrists and short call.

“You do realize we’ll likely kill each other if we’re left alone,” Trevor shouted at the back of the wagon in one last effort to bait the woman. But the wagon kept going and he was left in another stupor, minus the alcohol this time. “Well, fucking hell... Next time, Belmont, keep your damned groaning to yourself.”


	2. Chapter 2

A thick sheet of darkness laid over everything wrapping it in a stranglehold by the time Trevor reached the two strongholds. Dracula’s, well, Alucard’s fortress was a bare outline, so black that it seemed to suck in any hope of light. To have it there for the rest of eternity, peacefully, well, his family must have been rolling and throwing fists in their graves. Trevor’s own demolished home, on the other hand, glowed mutedly under the starlight. It was just a plain wreck, even the lower levels, he knew, which probably pissed his ancestors off just as much as having the fortress at its doorstep.

Maybe that was why he hadn’t been able to leave, because he had to make sure his family's work was safe, at least from the elements. Well, one of the reasons, at least.

Stretching out the kinks of his wreaked muscles, both from the hike and the battle, Trevor inspected the two structures over the distance. With one, a well looted one at that, there was no hope to find a decent place to sleep except for maybe under a toppled-over, decaying wall. And when was the last time he’d really slept anyway? It felt like years. The other structure...

His steps faltered. “You do realize there might be a reason he decided to be alone?”

It wasn’t the first time he’d asked himself that. He knew he was treading on dangerous territory, no matter that they’d parted on friendly terms.

To invade the dhampir’s territory unannounced, in the middle of the night no less...

Maybe Sypha had been trying to get rid of him, permanently.

Trevor snorted at the thought. He couldn’t doubt Sypha’s affection for him, nor her friendship to them both. Maybe she truly thought Alucard and he both would survive this. As for Trevor, he had his doubts. It wasn’t like Alucard was the type to just bend over and...

The thought wasted no time in conjuring up an unwelcome image. But, even if Trevor had wanted such a thing—In his more deviant moments, he had—Alucard didn’t seem the type to want a romp in the sheets. Or even in an alleyway, spur of the moment. Hell, had the dhampir ever even been sucked off?

“Okay, not helping...” Trevor growled to the quiet night as he shifted his pants.

Now was not the time to go there. Hell, Alucard was probably already watching Trevor’s prowling ways and deciding how to best land his assault. Trevor didn’t need to add a hardon to the mix and risk it getting bitten off. 

...Okay, that image really didn't help either. Trevor closed his eyes, blew out a heavy breath, and tried to find his center. It was damn hard to find it. Alcohol had always made that task easier. Or, at least, he'd always liked to think so.

Maybe he could at least manage to get in the door, sleep on some bed. Hell, a mat on the floor would have served him fine. He’d slept on much worse. Then he could grab some trinket, one that had some value but that Alucard wouldn’t miss, on the way out the door, buy a horse after trekking for hours to the nearest town. And accomplish absolutely nothing outside of making his trip a hell of a lot longer.

“Fucking hell...” It took him only a moment to then blurt out, “Whatever.”

If he started off now, he could probably catch up to Sypha and be done with this. He never should have let that woman have her way in the first place. Contrary to whatever she thought, dwelling on the past had never helped him one single bit. How the hell was it going to start now?

And the image of her kicking him right back off the wagon filled his head.

Trevor blew out another heavy, growling breath and trudged forward, back towards a place he’d never wanted to return to in the first place.

Fine, he’d try to make some kind of peace with himself. Whatever the fuck that meant. And he’d check in on Alucard and make sure the guy hadn’t gone insane with loneliness, never mind it’d been less than a day. Insanity might have run in the family, after all, and the last thing the world needed was another vampire wreaking havoc, even if the said vampire was half a one.

And that was what he kept telling himself until he found himself looking up, way up, at Alucard’s home. So much so that his neck cramped. He couldn’t see a light inside. No sounds pierced the air outside of his own heavy breaths and footsteps. And his racing heart.

He hated feeling fear. Luckily, when the heat of battle hit him, fear dropped away like a sheet that’d never really contained him. This though, the anticipation of coming face to face with someone he admittedly respected, liked even...

This was so different.

His hand absentmindedly feeling the Morning Star at his hip for a moment, Trevor forced his legs up the stairs, opened the door he was a bit surprised was unlocked, and entered the large hall. The expanse of it, he hadn’t really noticed it before. He’d been too busy killing shit and cleaning away corpses and exchanging banter with Sypha to really take a good look.

Remembering her suddenly and her strength, his heart ached for a moment. Really, they should have left this place together, all of them. Maybe that was what was truly bothering him, underneath all his groaning: They belonged together. It felt right to be together, although he had no idea when exactly that had happened. Maybe that was why he was here, for the sole reason of bringing Alucard with him, back to Sypha, back to civilization.

Who needed gobs of books? Untold treasures? Magical objects? Relics of ages past? Who needed any of that crap when they had each other?

And when the fuck had he become so clingy?

Yeah, it was clingy, but he also couldn’t escape the fact that, inside of himself, them being together, it felt right. And he already had the feeling this was going end badly. For the clingy part of him.  Never mind his life.

A shuddering breath escaped his lips before he gathered up his balls and called out, “Dear, I’m home! Where’s my kiss?!”

His voice echoed painfully loud in the hallow room. He swallowed and then stood there for a minute before he carefully closed the door behind himself.

Maybe Alucard wasn’t home. Maybe he’d gone out to feed. On who, Trevor didn't want to know. But the battle had been brutal on all of them, and the dhampir needed to feed to replenish his strength, so it wouldn't have been surprising if he'd left for the night. But if he wasn't out there finding some warm blood...

Well, there wasn’t a human for miles. Outside of himself. And the idea of being the only human for miles...

He hadn’t really considered Alucard's hunger before now, outside of their first meeting, probably since he’d never actually seen Alucard feed. Alucard had never even spoken of it during their travels. But now the idea was a blooming fantasy he'd never wanted to have. Would the dhampir suck him dry before he killed him? It was a free meal, right? That would make sense, wouldn’t it? Hell, if he was one, he’d probably do the same. And thank God his parents weren’t alive to hear that particular thought.

Picking up his balls yet again, just to make sure, he called out, “Alucard, show yourself! I’m tired as fuck! I just want a place to sleep for the night!”

Trevor stood there another couple of minutes before he finally heard, “Why have you come back here, Belmont?” from far up in the structure. It took several seconds before Trevor picked out Alucard's pale face and hair in the darkness on a high terrace.

Alucard didn’t sound happy to see him. Not in the least. In fact, he sounded downright disturbed. Trevor felt his stomach tighten involuntarily. Without Sypha there to soften the air around them, it became immediately apparent just how little they’d come in their own friendship.

Maybe Sypha  _had_  been trying to get rid of him... At that moment, the thought wasn’t quite as funny.

Then Alucard leapt from the terrace, as if gravity was nothing more than the occasional annoyance, and began to walk towards him. His body was cold, stiff, both of which Trevor could tell even without touching him. By the time the dhampir was several steps away, Trevor was more than ready to walk back out the door. It was better to have parted the way they had before rather than do this.

“If you want me gone, Alucard, just say so.”

Alucard stopped and said nothing as he stared. It was as hard stare, worse than Sypha’s because at least hers had an underlining warmth. This... This was akin to when they’d first met in that tomb. To all the times afterwards when Alucard had thought him pathetically unworthy. Trevor couldn’t blame him for all of that.

But hadn’t he proved himself yet? And why the hell was he so worried about proving himself to a dhampir?

Well, because he cared about Alucard and that included caring what he thought. Looking at him now, he could admit that, to himself, at least.

“Belmont...”

With the quiet word, Trevor realized something had changed on Alucard’s face but couldn’t pinpoint exactly what might have changed in Alucard’s head.

Alucard looked away, back towards the way he’d come from. “Go up the stairs, to the left, and continue down the wing. Take any room you like there.”

Trevor felt his jaw hang open a bit before he managed, “Yeah, okay, thanks.” He hadn’t expected it to go that easy. In fact, he’d expected one of them to already be dead at this point. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope.  Hope for what though?

Trevor walked around him and only made it a few steps before Alucard asked again, “Why have you come back? Without her.”

Trevor stopped mid-step at his voice. “Because...” He huffed, at a loss for a proper answer that would make sense to them both.

Because... God, there were so many because’s. But he didn’t say any of them except for, “Because she made me.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has a graphic scene of animal neglect and death.

For the next week, Trevor slept, ate some of the jerky and apples in his bag that were quickly dwindling, and explored the fortress while trying his best to tell himself he wasn’t spending all those wandering hours looking for Alucard. He never did see the guy again. He had no clue if Alucard was even still there. The place was dead silent, outside the ruckus he caused by just living. Already, he was starting to go stir-crazy. He had no idea how Alucard planned to stay there alone for the rest of his life. How could Alucard possibly not go insane, even if it wasn’t in his family’s blood?

Trevor walked down yet another great hallway near the bottom floor. With every step, he knew his ancestors would have killed for the chance to be in this place, the broken, moldy, dust-caked place it now was. Literally killed to be here. And so had he. He’d lost count of the number of vampires and ghoulish things he’d brought down in the name of his family and to save the world, just to step foot in here.

Then, walking down that hall, for the first time, he heard noises, weak ones, that weren’t his own. It sounded like... He walked closer. Well, squealing.

What the hell?

When he finally reached the room with the holding pens for the pigs, opening the door, the already leaking smell blasted his face. He doubled over, fighting the urge to vomit. His arm shot to his face, covering his nose and mouth with thick cloth that did basically nothing. The room was piled in shit, rot, and putrid death. Only a few unlucky swine were left alive to wallow in their caged misery.

“Fucking hell, Alucard...”

Did the guy have any idea what he was holding in his own home? Had he even thought for a moment to check? Did he even care?

Trevor realized then that they should have helped scour over every single inch of the place before they’d left. Who knew what evil and downright negligence was lurking in it?

His first instinct was to get the hell out of there. Probably just walking in there would give him at least a dozen different diseases. Hell, he probably already had half of them just by breathing the air.

Instead, forcing down bile, his body trembling with the effort, he forced himself to march right over to the gate. He yanked out his dagger, opened the gate, and slaughtered anything that had the will to move towards him, which ended up being only a couple filthy, chewed-up, puss-ridden swine that could barely crawl, let alone run. It took nearly a minute before he could gather up the courage and force himself in the pen to kill the last one he could see lying on its side and struggling to breath.

It was a blessing to be out of that room in the next minute. He’d seen a couple of windows in there though and gauged that as the best way to clean the place. There was no way he was going to drag all that shit, corpses, and whatever else was on the floor to the front door.

Jesus... Where the fuck was Alucard? And why the hell had Trevor himself even bothered to care where he was? The dhampir clearly had no real concern for the living. Why else would he have stayed in this forsaken hellhole when he could have just as well lived with the rest of the world? Had he even cared about saving people? Or had he been just trying to please his own dead mother and saving people was an unintended consequence?

Having already taken considerable effort to scrape the crap off his boots and wipe his dagger on a nearby banner, stalking down the hallway, the thought brought him to a standstill.

And what exactly had Trevor himself been doing all these years after his parents’ deaths? Yeah, he’d gone out in society, but barely. Just enough to drink and fuck away every misery he had. Not that it’d ever worked. It’d been a rare event for him to even take a bath. And that’d only happened when the pieces of ass he’d wanted weren’t even willing to come near him. Yeah, he’d fought evil things, because he’d felt he had to, to be able to say he had some use, to please his dead parents. Hell, every smile he’d smiled in the past years, he couldn’t say even a single one was real. At least not before he’d come to know Sypha and Alucard. And even then, just barely.

Could he really blame Alucard for doing basically the same? Minus the drinking and the fucking. Presumably.

In the next moment, he found himself stalking up the stairs, to the upper most levels, to places he now realized he’d been unconsciously avoiding because he hadn’t been sure he’d even wanted to see Alucard again. Because seeing him that first night, walking away from him... It had felt like his heart had been stabbed, over and over again. And he didn’t want to feel that again. At all.

Could people honestly question why he drank?

“Alucard, you fucking bastard, where are you?” he shouted, his voice cracking, sweat trying its best to cool his heated skin, angry tears threatening their shame, as he stormed past vacant room he quickly looked over with jerks of his eyes. He didn’t know why he was so angry. He already knew he wasn’t angry with Alucard, not anymore anyway. Maybe he was just angry with himself, for letting this go on for days. Okay, years. Years and years and years.

God, he was so pathetic. That he could even—.

Alucard stepped out of a room several doors down, right in front of him. In the traces of sunlight, the dhampir really looked no better than Trevor felt. And he had the feeling he himself didn’t look much better either. Given another week, he might have even reached his previous all-time bottom. It hadn’t been a pretty sight.

Trevor came to a standstill again. “Alucard, I... I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.”

It was a moment for Alucard to look down on him again, to let Trevor stew in his pitifulness. Never mind he still hadn’t drank a drop in all these weeks. Although, that wasn’t from a lack of trying his best to find a bottle. Maybe he should have gone a bit farther down that hallway. Surely the kitchen was down that way, although he had a feeling it wasn’t in a better state than the swine’s deathcamp. But surely a bottle of liquor would have kept...

As those yellow eyes stared at him, offering no compassion, Trevor couldn’t help but look to the floor and then closed his eyes and tried to catch his breaths.

“I didn’t ask you to come back here,” Alucard said quietly, carefully.

Trevor shook his head. “I know... I know.”

“You should go back to her. There’s nothing here for you, Belmont.”

The temptation to do just that, to bask in her warm smiles and touch... And love even. She was like the sister he’d never had but would have killed for to save her. Would have humiliated himself for, provided for, done anything for.

“But... But I came here for her. I...” Trevor opened his eyes finally and looked at the other man. “I came here for you. I came here to bring you with me. I don’t... I can’t stand the thought of you being here alone.” After he’d said it, when he’d realized what he’d said, the truth in every word, the whole world seemed to come to a standstill.

Alucard started at him, unblinking. Trevor couldn’t even tell if he was breathing. Did his heart hammer like Trevor’s? Did he feel anything? Did he even care that Trevor had just poured his heart out?

The moment stretched until Alucard finally said, “I can’t leave with you.”

“Why?” Trevor blurted out.

Alucard finally looked away, back towards the room he’d come from. “My father died in that room. I killed my father in that room. I... I died in that room. I can’t... I can’t leave. I can’t be around either of you, not anymore.” His renewed stare ground into Trevor. “Do you understand?”

Trevor shook his head but kept his eyes on Alucard. “I do, trust me, I do. But I also know what’s going to happen to you if I listen to you. I’m not going to leave without you.”

And there is was, the ultimatum that Trevor had never intended to say. But now that he’d said it, he realized it was the truth. There was no way he could leave this place without him, the hellish, forsaken tomb it was. No, Alucard hadn’t gone back to sleep in his tomb underneath the city but he’d found a tomb for himself nonetheless.

As Trevor watched, an emotion tried to crack onto Alucard’s face as the dhampir stood stiffly. Finally, oh-so-quietly that Trevor could barely hear it, Alucard simply asked, “Why?”

Trevor had asked Alucard that very question a minute before but now it seemed like an impossible one to answer, particularly because he had the feeling Alucard genuinely wanted that answer. How could he ever make it a good enough one to please him, to make him come with him?

“Because... Because I want you with me.”

It was the truth. But how could that ever be a good enough of an answer for a dhampir to follow a man who’d hunted his kind with the goal of decimating them until they were all dead?

Alucard smirked as he said, “And what would the prestigious, virtuous Belmont line say to that?”

Unable to stop himself, Trevor took an aggressive step forward. “What the fuck? You’re going to bring that up now?!" Never mind his own train of thought had been similar. "That has nothing to do with...”

Trevor trailed off at the re-realization of just how real this conversation had become. Where was the bantering, the egging on, the downright scorn?

He’d never meant to voice his true feelings. Somehow, he’d done it without even really thinking about it. Well, perhaps that _was_ why he’d done it. Because he wasn’t thinking. At all.

How had this even come to this point? Well, he knew who exactly he could point his finger at, but she wasn’t there to defend herself.

Huffing to himself, he also knew, of course, that none of this was really her fault. At all. He’d come back here willingly. He could have said a flat-out no. She wouldn’t have liked it, but she would have accepted it if it’d been what he’d truly wanted.

He’d wanted to come back. For Alucard. Otherwise, he never would have come back.

Voice cracking with his emotion, he forced out again, “I’m not leaving without you, Alucard.”

“Then, Belmont, we’re going to be here together for a long, long time.”


	4. Chapter 4

Alucard seemed quite self-assured they’d reached the end of the conversation when he turned and began to walk back into the room. 

Trevor's emotions basically ignored by the other man but still in an uproar, seeing any chance at having a say in any of this slip through his fingers, Trevor wasted no time in blurting, “Then I’m staying here.  Which room should I take?”

That stopped Alucard dead in his tracks and he immediately turned to face Trevor full-on, his eyes slightly wide, as if he couldn’t believe Trevor had the audacity to suggest they should be sleeping on the same floor. “These are my family’s rooms.”

Trevor crossed his arms.  “Well, as far as I can tell, I’m the only family you got left.”

“You are _not_ my family, Belmont.”

“Not with that attitude.”

The whole of Alucard tensed.  Trevor could see his mind working in those yellow, piercing eyes.  What scheme could he possibly come up with to get Trevor to leave?  The joke was on him though because, outside of physically throwing him out, there wasn’t a thing Alucard could do.  He was staying here because, well, he just couldn’t stand the thought of being alone in that fortress anymore. 

He’d never thought it before, but now he realized he needed other people around him.  And that was probably why he’d never been able to completely abandon society when he certainly could have.

If he left now, he didn’t think Alucard would ever allow him into this area again.  He’d seen the presently-open, huge doors that sealed off this wing.  If Alucard wanted to, he could barricade himself in these rooms and never leave again.  And where would that leave Trevor?

“Are you scared to be down there by yourself, vampire hunter?  I assure you, you’re no safer here.  You’re welcome in the room you already have, if you wish it. I will allow no harm to come to you. But not here. You are _not_ staying here.”

The threat was there, hanging, daring Trevor to tip it over.  Well, he’d never backed away from a dare in his life.  No matter how much it got the shit kicked out of him.  “Yeah, I’m a fucking chickenshit. I’ll take my chances here.”  He walked to the nearest door and peered inside.  Inside, there were fine rugs, lace everywhere, beautiful paintings, walls lined with dusty potions and books, many, many books.  He wouldn’t have been surprised if it’d been Alucard’s mother’s room. “How about this one?”

In a spit second, Alucard was standing in front of him.  Trevor’s breath caught in his throat as he fought the urge to stumble backwards, to put space between them. 

Alucard thrust his hand out to point a claw towards the exit.  In fact, the dhampir was all claws at the moment.  “Get out!  Now!”

Okay, if Alucard hadn’t been going to barricade the doors before, he sure as fuck was going to now, if Trevor was any judge of character.  The dhampir had slept alone in that tomb for a year.  Trevor had no doubt Alucard was up to the challenge now.

“Give me a servant’s room.  A blanket and a corner.  Or just a corner if you can’t spare a blanket.  You won’t even know I’m here.”

His persistence seemed to pay off when Alucard’s brows drew in, giving him the perfect expression of confusion.  His mouth opened as if to speak but no words came out, as his arm dropped.  Then he took another step forward, so that they could have easily touched.  His hands flexed, a show of restraint, but Trevor had no idea what the restraint was for.  “I don’t think I could ever not know you’re here...” Then he started to shake his head.  “Why are you doing this?”

Why?  It was a good question.  But Trevor felt like he’d already answered.  And he said as much with, “I’ve already told you why.  I want you to come with me.”

“But...”

As the word trailed off, trying to take advantage of the pause and trying his damnedest to ease the overwhelming tension boiling in the hallway, Trevor let a grin form as he looked up a bit at Alucard. Lowly, with his best gravelly voice, he purred, “I’ve made you speechless, I see.”

It was sort of, kind of a flirt, but considering how close they were, not even elbow’s length, there wasn’t much else it could have been.  If Alucard hadn’t been staring at him before, he sure as fuck was looking now.  But, at least, the tension did indeed leave the hallway.  And a wholly different tension rose in its place.

“Belmont...  You have no idea the effort I must put forth to keep my hands off you.”

That could have been taken in at least a couple of different ways.  Preferably, it was the ‘I want to fuck you right now on the floor’ kind of way.  But it still might not have been.  Maybe Alucard was trying desperately to keep himself from killing him.  Obviously, Trevor preferred the former option.

“I need you to leave.” Alucard’s words were almost whispered, more of a pleading than a demand.

Since the seductive route seemed to be throwing Alucard completely off his game, Trevor went with it.  Hell, if he couldn’t force Alucard out of this hellhole, he had no problem seducing him out of it. “Need or want? I can work with need.  If you want me to go, well... I’ve always considered myself a gentleman.”

Alucard backed away, retreated more like.  Trevor was completely astonished by it.  Did he smell bad?  Did Alucard have absolutely no interest in him sexually?  Was he simply coming on too strong?  Really though, how much weaker could he get?  It wasn’t as if he was pointing to a bed and saying, “Get on it.”  Did the man want to be romanced instead?  A love letter, perhaps?  Flowers?  Were there even any flowers outside?  None that he could remember.

Before he could come to any kind of direction to take the haphazard seduction, Alucard turned around and then he was gone, literally, as if he’d never been standing there.

“Damn it...” Trevor hissed.  He hadn’t meant to scare the man away.  But, then again, he was still standing there, not kicked out on his ass.  Hell, Alucard hadn’t even touched him.  Yelled in his face a bit, yes, but nothing he had to shit his pants for.

Had he really gotten his way?  He couldn’t be sure.  But he also wasn’t going to leave and find out.  Damn it to hell, he should have brought his bag with him.  At least he had Morning Star at his hip.  But surely there wasn’t a damn thing to eat up here.  Eventually, he’d have to leave to eat.  Maybe Alucard would just wait for that moment.  It seemed likely.  And then, door slam and lock.

Blowing out a huff of air, he looked around and walked to the opposite side instead.  He opened the door.  It appeared to be a study inside with yet more books.  Willing to see how long he could last, because he just wasn’t ready to be kicked out yet, he walked inside and scanned the shelves.  Maybe some of them had some drawings he could look at...


	5. Chapter 5

Lying there on the rug on the cool floor in the study, Trevor held the book above his face. He let his knees flop open as he tried to make sense of the hand-drawn pictures and seeming medical words in it. But the more he stared and flipped and stared some more, the less sense it all made, because that man, that dhampir kept intruding on his thoughts. The longer he laid there, the more their whole conversation bugged him until it bordered on obsession. And the individual parts, well...

The way Alucard had fled from him, it drove him crazy with thoughts that were going increasingly downhill. He’d been with enough men and women to know when someone wasn’t interested, to know when they lifted their noses at him, to know when they downright despised him. 

Alucard’s reaction…. There’d been no hate or anything in it, but it still made him completely regret what he’d said, even if it’d gotten his foot in the door.

A man who wanted him wouldn’t have run away like that. A man who _didn’t_ want him wouldn’t have run like that either. There was something far deeper going on than simple lusting or despising. He just didn’t know what.

So, he quickly found himself dwelling on the rest of their conversation where he’d poured his heart out and Alucard had stood there, not giving an ounce of emotion himself.

...But had Alucard been? Had Trevor just not recognized it when he’d seen it?  

His thoughts quickly settled on Alucard saying he was dead. Obviously, he hadn’t meant literally. And Trevor had said he’d understood what Alucard had been saying, but had he really? Had he really been listening beyond his own wants? 

One of his many, many faults, he knew he was shit at listening, especially when it came to deeper emotions. He hated deeper emotions and thoughts because they always led him to places in his head he sure as fuck didn’t want to be. Drinking had always helped ease people’s words and actions, slowed his own mind until everything was just rambles, and, when he drank enough, made it all go away. For a while, at least.

...Maybe he should have grabbed a bottle from the kitchen for the both of them. He huffed at the idea. It’d always been clear Alucard turned his nose up at drinking. Or at least turned his nose up at Trevor drinking.

“Fucking hell,” he mumbled at the empty room, dropping his arms, letting the book slam to the floor with an unintentional bang that Alucard probably heard. He strained his head to look towards the door, his head scraping on the fibrous rug to do it. He stared for nearly a minute before he relaxed since Alucard obviously wasn’t rushing in to see what he was destroying.

Okay, so why did Alucard think he was dead?  Well, the answer was pretty obvious since Alucard had connected it to his father’s death. He could understand that loss, what Alucard was probably feeling, because he felt the same. And he’d said as much to Alucard. He did understand it. But that didn’t mean he wanted to think about it all. Because thinking about it with time to spare...

He forced his unfortunately clear mind back to Alucard. 

...Maybe it was as simple as that: Alucard’s mind was dwelling on his father and mother. Not on him. Not on anyone else. And Trevor was here, disrupting that, begging him to run away with him, when Alucard clearly wanted to stew in what had to be misery.

And he’d been flirting, okay, harassing a guy who clearly just wanted to be alone. One who'd ordered Trevor to leave. Who’d kept asking him why Trevor was even there in the first place. 

Didn’t Alucard understand why he was there? Hadn’t he told him enough why he was? Was Alucard not understanding him? Didn’t Alucard realize...

Jesus, the guy knew they were friends, right? All three of them. 

Whatever hell Alucard was obviously in, he didn’t have to go through all this shit alone, not like Trevor had all these years. Trevor being there at that moment should have proved that. But apparently, to Alucard, it proved nothing.

Then again, would Trevor himself have accepted friendships like this back then? He wasn’t sure. Probably not.

But, fuck, whatever Alucard thought he wanted, Trevor wasn’t about to let Alucard travel down the same horrible path he had all these years. He just wasn’t. 

Alucard himself had said he’d been happy, happier than Trevor had ever been. And he believed it, despite Alucard’s father being Dracula. The dhampir clearly had himself far more put together than Trevor had ever been, and Trevor took that as proof of the fact that Alucard had indeed been loved, even if Trevor couldn’t see Dracula being a loving father in his own head.

Whatever Alucard thought, clearly the dhampir needed a friend. And Trevor was it.  So, how the hell was he supposed to go about this? Comforting wasn’t exactly his strong suit either as it went hand in hand with listening.

He rested his arm over his face, trying to picture comforting Alucard. Was he supposed to wrap his arm around him? Cry with him? Die with him, figuratively? Trevor scoffed at the visions. Would Alucard even want him to do any of those things? Would he even let Trevor get close enough to attempt it?  He weighted the chances of getting the shit kicked out of him for even trying.

Well, what did he really have to lose, outside of his bodily health? He could try, right? And Alucard could do his best to shove him right back out the door again if he didn’t beat him. Or, he supposed, the dhampir could beat him soundly and then kick him out. So many options...

“Whatever. Fuck it.”

Trevor shoved himself to his feet and staggered a bit as his head swam. He couldn’t blame alcohol this time. It was probably pure mental exhaustion, a lack of a decent meal, and just plain standing too fast. When he felt steady, he walked back out of the room before he lost his nerve and to the room he was pretty sure Alucard had retreated to.

When he got to the open doorway, sure enough, Alucard was sitting there on the bed already looking at Trevor with his hard stare he seemed to enjoy again nowadays.

After a mutual stare that unnerved Trevor a considerable amount, Alucard growled, “What, Belmont? What do you want from me now?”

Trevor couldn’t help flinching at the words. The pain he heard in them...

Swallowing, he shook his head for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest as if that would offer some protection from this. “Look, I’m sorry.” His voice came out hoarse, as if he hadn’t talked for days. He cleared his throat. “What I was saying before, I-I didn’t mean it. I don’t want you to think I’m a complete asshole.”

“I’ve always thought that. You’re a bit too late.”

Trevor huffed and looked to the floor, leaning against the doorframe. “Yeah, I’m sure. I just...”

Man, he hated this shit. How was he supposed to make this all better? Could he even? Well, of course he fucking couldn’t. Who could? He doubted even Sypha could work a smile out of the guy at the moment. Of course, with the way Trevor knew he himself had been acting, that was probably partially, okay, mostly his fault.

“Are you trying to be my friend, Belmont?”

Trevor shot his gaze back up to Alucard’s face. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

The air grew considerably thicker around them as they stared at each other. It was Alucard who looked away first. And with such a sadness in his eyes that Trevor nearly choked on it.

Trevor found himself blurting out, “Alucard, you know I’m your friend, right? I mean... All the shit we’ve been through. The fact that you even put up with me in the first place, even when you didn’t want to...” Alucard met his gaze again, looking like he wanted to disagree. “Yeah, I know exactly what you thought of me. And I get it. It’s fine. You’re not the first person to think I’m a total jackoff. Because, well, it’s always been the truth. But I...”

Breathing in a shaky breath, he closed his eyes again and let it out slowly, trying to find the strength to continue on. Why was being a decent human being so damned difficult?

He forced open his eyes again, taking in the dhampir, trying his damnedest to really see him. Then he admitted unthinkingly, “Bloody hell, this is fucking hard.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, I thought that was kinda obvious.”

A muted smile curled Alucard’s lips just slightly and it was the most fucking unbelievably beautiful thing Trevor had ever seen in his life. He hadn’t realized until that moment how much he’d wanted it. It made him smile for the first time in over a week. A real smile at that.

It was the moment he realized just how much he truly cared about this man. 

Ancestors be damned. If they’d even been in any position to pass judgement, they would have lost because there could be no denying what a good person Alucard was, both halves of him. And they would have realized it was an honor to call him a friend.

To have ever thought that Alucard didn’t care... He’d been a stupid fuck to have even let it pass through his head.

Alucard’s tiny smile fell away and, as much as Trevor wanted to beg for Alucard's to come back, his own smile followed suit. 

A sweat came to Trevor's skin at the gush of emotion he was feeling at that moment which he tried his best to contain.  Trying to dispel it or, at the very least, draw attention away from it, he cleared his throat and mumbled, “So yeah, I just wanted you to know that I’m down the hallway, to the right, in that study." He nodded. "I’m here, okay?”

Alucard studied him for a moment and then nodded himself. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Okay then,” Trevor said with another nod, backed away from the doorframe, and forced his feet back down the hallway, back into the room where he laid back down, grabbed the book he couldn't manage to really see, and couldn’t stop thinking about the dhampir down the hallway.


	6. Chapter 6

The sun was just starting to set when Alucard’s voice jolted Trevor out of his doze. Sucking in a breath, he jerked to sit up, sending the book on his chest tumbling onto the rug. He whipped his head around until he caught sight of the dhampir in the open doorway. Then he grabbed his still spinning head and blurted out, “Fucking hell, Alucard... Tell me something life or death is happening?”

“Besides your smell, no.”

That took a moment to sink it. “Smell?” Frowning, Trevor lifted an arm a little further and took a whiff. Okay, so he didn’t smell like flowers and sunshine, but it was nothing out of the ordinary from when they’d traveled together. Or was he just too used to it? Or maybe Alucard was just too sensitive.

“Describing your smell is considerably beyond me. If you’re going to be staying here... Just come with me.”

“You can’t be serious... How can you my smell really bother you from another room?”

“I’m very serious and it does.”

“Jesus Christ...” Trevor groaned. He thought to fight it but, in the end, gave in. It’d been a good week since he’d had a bath anyway. And considering what he’d been trudging through earlier that day... 

Wait a minute... How the hell could he have gotten used to that particular smell, the putrid stench it’d been? Probably still was.

Yeah, he wouldn't have minded in the least to wash that literal shit off.

Quite a bit disgusted again himself, Trevor managed to get up onto his wobbly legs. When he started forward, Alucard backed away but then walked in front of Trevor when he reached the doorway. In line, they walked down the great hallway, to nearly the end, before Alucard walked through an open entryway.

Inside, Trevor saw a bath fit for royalty. Delicately carved marble columns reached up to the high ceiling, perhaps supporting it, but they were as decorative as they were functional. In the center, the bath was a pool many times Trevor’s length, supplied with constant water from a gushing fountain.

Quite surprised by it all, Trevor walked the distance to it and touched the water, letting it pour over his hands. “It’s warm,” he said, not bothering to hide his surprise.

“This fortress can travel anywhere in the world with a thought, and you’re surprised by hot water?”

Trevor huffed. “Yeah. How come the water below isn’t warm?”

“The power source for this wing is separate from the others. You should have told me.”

“Well, I’m no stranger to boiling some water. Hell, half the time, I don’t even bother. But, before, Sypha heated it for us.”

Because the warm, cascading water looked unbelievably delectable, wasting no more time on trivial matters of who stank and why, Trevor immediately began stripping his clothes: his boots and socks coming off first, then the straps over his chest, his belt and dagger, his arm-guards, his shirt, tossing them all onto a pile on the floor. It wasn’t until he fingered the buttons of his pants that he thought to toss a glace behind him, to see if Alucard was still there because the room had gone completely silent outside of himself.

He shouldn’t have looked.

The heat in those yellow eyes... Trevor had never seen Alucard look at him like that before and it ran a chill up his spine. And, unfortunately, ran a spike of pleasure down to his groin. The dhampir looked, well, hungry. Very hungry and caught in its grasp.

When was the last time Alucard had fed? Did he even want to know? From what he’d witnessed during the time they’d been together, never.

Was this what Alucard had meant by barely being able to keep his hands off him? If it was, apparently, it truly had been a warning.

Swallowing thickly, Trevor dropped his gaze back down to his hands that still hadn’t released the buttons. He realized Morning Star was still in the study, nice and safe. The dagger wasn’t going to do shit, even with the shit possibly still on it.

“Fuck,” he hissed under his breath.

Proving Trevor right, Alucard said in a low, gravelly voice, “I’m not going to attack you, Belmond. I would never take what isn’t offered.”

“Maybe.” He dared to look at the dhampir again. “But what about later?” He swallowed, not sure if he wanted to ask the more important question. But if his life was at risk, he wanted to know. “When’s the last time you fed?”

It took a second before Alucard admitted, “Before I laid down in that tomb.”

Trevor turned around and took a couple of steps forward. “That’s over a year! You shouldn’t have done that! You should have fed!” He walked a couple more, unable to help himself. “You put our lives at risk. You put Sypha’s at risk!”

Alucard scoffed, “And who would I have fed from, Belmont?” The pure iciness there was overwhelming.

Trevor’s mouth hung open, unable to answer. Who? Whose life could he say was only worth being a half-vampire’s meal? He knew he never could have decided something like that. 

He took yet another step but there was still a considerable distance between them. “You could have fed from animals. There’s deer, birds, snakes for fuck’s sake. Anything.”

“Blood from other creatures does basically nothing. It would have been wasted time hunting for something that just barely curbed my hunger, and for a very short period of time. Why would I bother when we had a far more important matter to worry about?”

Trevor swallowed thickly, his throat feeling like it was closing. Sweat dampened his skin as his heart thudded. Surely Alucard could hear its thrashing as much as Trevor could. Every moment with this man, he was risking his life. “You need to feed, Alucard.”

Alucard crossed his arms, glowering at him. “Are you going to offer up yourself, vampire hunter, last of the Belmonts? At the moment, I don’t see any other bodies.”

...The guy was right. Who else would be willing to do it? He wasn’t even willing himself. But, did he really have a choice if he was going to insist on staying in the dhampir’s company? There was only him. And even if there had been another...

No, if it was going to be anyone, it was going to be him. It sure as fuck wasn’t going to be Sypha when they met back up with her. And they _were_ going to meet back up with her, the both of them, together.

So, he’d be the sacrificial offering. As if he hadn’t been that his whole life in one respect or another, being forced to carry on the family legacy from the moment he’d been born.

“I’ll let you. Just don’t fucking kill me. Contrary to popular belief, I have something of a liking for my life.” Especially now.

The life seemed to go out of Alucard as he stared at Trevor. Trevor, on the other hand, could barely stand his ground as his body, his breaths trembled.

This offering went against every single thing he’d ever been taught to believe in. To even consider it, to willingly keep a blood-sucking fiend alive... 

But this man before him wasn’t a fiend. Alucard was his friend.

A shuddering breath escaped Alucard. “Don’t tempt me.” The pleading there...

“Just don’t kill me,” Trevor reasserted. At that point, he was ready to march over to the dhampir, grab him by his hair, and force his mouth to his neck, if Alucard didn’t do something. He wanted to get this done before he completely lost his nerve.

“I would never kill you. Not even to defend myself.” Alucard had never looked more serious.

The words brought boiling heat to Trevor’s skin. They enflamed the rest of him, particularly his groin. How such simple words could do that... Well, it was probably because they held so much meaning. So much of something he wasn’t sure he should name because he might have been wrong. That Alucard would say such a thing...

“Jesus Christ...” Trevor whispered to himself but wouldn’t have been surprised if Alucard heard him. He had to resist the urge to adjust himself, not wanting to bring attention to the thing that was quickly swelling to attention.

Alucard began to walk forward in the rapidly darkening room. “No, I’m not him. I can promise you that.”

Trevor’s breaths grew more haggard with each step. He felt quite like prey and he didn’t like the feeling. At all. So, he continued to stand his ground until Alucard was just an arm’s length away. Alucard watched him, probably waiting for Trevor to change his mind. But he wasn’t going to. Fuck it all, he wasn’t going to. This had to be done.

Out of nowhere, Alucard said, “Take off your pants.”

“What?!” Trevor couldn't believe the words at first, words that basically amounted to an order. Then they shocked him into a stupor. 

“This is going to hurt but it doesn’t have to be merciless.”

Trevor hacked a laugh and then shook his head, still unbelieving. “You can’t be serious. I’m not going to let you fuck me.” Never mind he’d humored the idea on numerous prior occasions.

Alucard had the audacity to smirk. “I’m not going to fuck you. There _are_ other ways to pleasure a man.”

“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” Trevor laughed out a trembling breath. “No, no, just do it. I don’t need to be jacked off or anything.”

...And the fact that Alucard even had the idea...

Had Alucard done that very thing to someone else, someone in his past before they’d even met? And how many people exactly had he fed from and fucked? The idea brought an irrational bought of something he didn’t want to call jealousy. It was made so much worse by the fact that he could easily imagine it happening.

Alucard was bold, beautiful, and very tempting. Add on the kink of him being a half-vampire, there were surely plenty of people in the world who would have happily taken advantage of that. 

With that in mind, Trevor knew Alucard could have just as well found someone with that particular kink. Perhaps even a past lover. 

And Trevor's instant rejection of the idea startled him quite a bit. 

But, no. If Alucard was going to feed from anyone, it was going to be him.

At Alucard’s continued hesitation, Trevor growled, “Just do it.”

And then suddenly the dhampir was against him, grabbing him by a fistful of hair, forcing his head to tilt to the side with an unbound strength, brushing lips over goose-pimpled skin. Bare, rough, Alucard whispered, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

Trevor clamped his eyes shut, not bothering to hide his heavy breaths nor his trembles. His hands found death grips on Alucard’s clothing at his chest. With one of his breaths, he did his best to encourage Alucard with, “You will.”

“Fuck, Trevor...”

Trevor moaned at the sound of his name on Alucard's lips, even while he dreaded the pain to come. He couldn’t help the moan. He’d never been more turn on and scared in his life and hearing his given name from his man did absolutely nothing to calm him.

And then sharp teeth sank into the bend between his shoulder and neck. He gasped at the pain. But it wasn’t as bad as he’d imagined. Probably because it could have been far worse for one fighting against it, which was what he'd always imagined doing if a vampire tried to suck him dry. Flesh could be ripped apart. Death could follow, even if the vampire didn’t drink a person dry. 

This, however, was merely stabs into his skin. He could take it. He could.

And then he heard the first swallow and groaned. “Oh fuck.” God, it was too much.

Overwhelmed, wanting to become lost, he found himself grinding at Alucard’s groin and moaned again when he felt Alucard’s hardness there, teasing him beneath their pants. In the next moment, Alucard grabbed his backside and increased the pressure, grinding them together. 

Hearing the greedy swallows and Alucard's moans and weak growls, quickly, Trevor was becoming lightheaded, although he didn’t know from what. Pain? The same lack of food? Exhaustion? Blood loss? Pleasure? The rising orgasm? Too quick of breaths? All the above?

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” Trevor said over and over again, each one coming more quickly with his quickening ragged breaths. His skin was soaked in sweat. His heart hammered, surely helping Alucard in his feast. Blackness dotted his mind and then grew. At that point, he wasn’t sure he could even make it to an orgasm before passing out.

Without warning, Alucard wrenched way from him, staggering backward. Trevor found himself falling to his knees. The lack of strength confused him. How much had Alucard drank? Was it even that? The thoughts drifted away as his eyes slipped closed.

Then hands gripped his upper arms, stopping him from slumping off into oblivion. One of the hands grabbed his jaw, drawing his face up. But fuck, his eyelids were heavy. He couldn’t look at the other man.

So close their breaths crossed paths, with genuine fear in his voice, Alucard practically sobbed, “Fuck, I’m so sorry! We shouldn’t have done this. I should have drained your blood instead, so I could be sure I wasn’t taking too much. Next time—fuck, what am I saying?” The hand gripped his jaw harder, giving it a small shake. “Trevor?!”

And then darkness finally claimed him. And, with his last thoughts, he was kinda glad for the darkness. Maybe he’d actually get some decent sleep for once since coming back home.


	7. Chapter 7

Forming a coherent thought proved impossible as dizziness and nausea made moving carefully conceived torture. Trevor had woken up to an uncountable number of hangovers with their pulsating headaches and limbs that felt like deadweights, but none had felt quite like this. The whole world collided with his body just as his body seemed to collide with itself, yet it was so hard to focus on any of it, but it all felt fuzzy and hard, hot and icy, mostly gnawingly painful. 

Groaning, trembling, he focused on the pain since that seemed most important. He traced the hot, pulsating lines to a point near his neck. Harsh pressure there, keeping him solidly to the ground, made the pain radiate with his every heartbeat, but it definitely started there. He tried his damnedest to lift his hand and touch the source, but his arm felt leaden, especially when something suddenly held it down. Hell, it was work enough just opening his eyes.

 “Don’t move. Just let it pass.” He knew that voice. It sounded like that dhampir. Jesus, what the hell did he want?

The pressure on his shoulder vanished. Something detached from his skin, feeling like it was ripping some flesh away with it. Trevor gasped and tried to shift away from the pain that brought up a new bout of nausea and finally did manage to get his eyes all the way open. He blinked them a bit, when they wouldn’t focus. Opening them didn’t help much though. The place was pitch black. At least he hoped it was.

Something touched his face and he flinched away from it. His free arm blindly shoved at it. And scored a hit. Well, at least his accuracy good. No way he would have been able to hit something had he been hungover. With boosted confidence, he tried to yank his arm free and shove himself upright all in one motion.

Then two hands clamped him down to the chilly floor, one too near the pain in his neck, and he growled his misery

“Fuck, Belmont, just lie still for a minute.”

Belmont? ...Hadn’t Alucard called him something else before? Yeah, his given name. While they were…. Then he remembered enough to make him panic. And fight at the grips on him, trying to shove the half-vampire away from him. That got him nowhere, his arms feeling like jelly compared to Alucard’s disturbing strength.

“Let me go, you fucking bastard!”

“You stupid fuck, I’m trying to help you! Just calm down!”

“Help me?!” Helping him should have included him not lying on the floor after being used as a meal. His arms ended up above his head, definitely not of his own free will, and held down as if a boulder was atop of them. He kicked out then, trying to get something in edgewise. But then he found himself straddled right below his groin so that his legs were pinned down. He should have been able to buck the man off. Even if he couldn’t compare strengths with the dhampir, he could still toss Alucard’s weight around.

“You’re the one who wanted wanted it!” Alucard’s spit landed on his face.

“I sure as fuck did not! I didn’t ask to be dropped to the fucking floor!” He knew he should have stopped fighting. His body sweating and hot, everything was indefinitely worse when he fought, when, before, he’s been starting to feel a bit better. But his panic and rage weren’t letting him.

“I didn’t even drink that much! It wasn’t even a minute, for fuck’s sake. I wasn’t even at an artery.”

“Yeah? Then why am I on the fucking floor?” Feeling like he’d been hit with a battering ram.

“I don’t know. You were hyperventilating, your heart rate was too fast, I could feel you were slipping, so I stopped.”

Trevor vaguely remembered feeling Alucard ripping away from him. And then falling to his knees. But a minute? It seemed like the guy had been at his neck for an hour. Could it have really been less than just a minute? “But I remember you said you drank to much. You apologized for it!”

“I was panicking. I wasn’t thinking straight. I thought maybe I had. But I didn’t. I doubt I could even drink enough to kill you had I wanted to. I’d get sick, if I tired. It’s been too long since I last fed.”

Then what, if it hadn’t been the blood loss? Well, probably everything, up to and including the supposed small amount of blood loss.

“You just feinted. That’s all.” Alucard’s grips loosened a bit and Trevor realized he’d stopped fighting.

Feinted? Like some frail damsel? He wanted to deny even the possibility. But, he was indeed on the floor and feeling better, a bit better. Surely if he’d been drained to nearly the point of death, he wouldn’t have even bothered to wake up. He swallowed, trying to get all this information situated properly in his head, before he breathed out a shaky breath. “Okay, fine. You didn’t try to kill me. You can get the fuck off me now.”

“Okay... But don’t get up before you’re ready.”

But Alucard didn’t move. Didn’t release his grip. Hardly even breathed. Trevor, on the other hand, felt his breaths picking up again. The charge in the air completely changed in one moment to the next, from rage and irrationality to something that again bordered on hunger and still irrationality.

“Don’t do it again,” Trevor hissed with a bit less enthusiasm than he thought was appropriate for the moment.

“I’m not. I’m just...”

Damn his body for responding, his groin for stirring. Did they have a death wish or something? Against his better judgement, because Alucard still wasn’t moving, because he was hoping whatever Alucard said would shrivel the thing right back up, Trevor breathed, “Just what?”

“Thank you.”

No, that didn’t help. The words brought heat to his skin. Again. 

To be thanked, presumably for willingly becoming a blood-sucker’s snack, logically, it just seemed like the most inappropriate thing Alucard could have said at that moment. But it still meant something to Trevor. It meant a great deal, actually. 

Trevor wished he could clearly see the other man’s face in the darkness. With only really the sound of Alucard’s voice to go on, he guessed the dhampir was being sincere. And, against his will, It made him smile, stupidly at that. He was sure Alucard could see it.

Alucard shifted his hips and, for a second, Trevor thought he might finally be able to see what Alucard tasted like. And damn his body for wanting it… Or was that his mind? But then the man kept shifting. Off him. Trevor wouldn’t have called the sound that came out of his throat a whimper, even if someone had held a blade to his throat. But it probably was one anyway. 

For a lover, he would have whimper for, begged for, done just about anything to please them short of maiming or death. But they weren’t lovers. Not even close. Mutual grinding didn’t make them anything other than horny. Besides, they didn’t love each other. Right? Right...

But if he didn’t love this man, at least in some way, then why _had_ he come back? So, in some illogical, or maybe not so illogical way, the could be no doubt he loved him. Just not as a lover. Right? Suddenly he wasn’t so sure the answer was no and that scared the shit out of him. It was one thing to call Alucard a friend. To call him anything more... Maybe they were both going fucking insane together. 

...But would that have really been so bad?

Alucard sat near him, both legs bent, one knee to the floor. Self-conscious of his buffet-like position, Trevor brought his arms down from above his head with quite a bit of effort. They were stiff, almost sore, especially his right side, where he could still feel the bite near his neck. Laying his hands on his stomach, his eye lids heavy, trying to get his breathing back down to the point where someone couldn’t accuse him of horniness, Trevor watched the dim outline of Alucard in the darkness. His skin and hair though, both almost seemed to glow faintly. Even his eyes had a shine that couldn’t quite be explained with rational thinking. And he was sure Alucard watched him right back. It was one of the strangest few minutes he’d ever shared with another, but that didn’t mean he wanted it to end. In fact, it was difficult to keep his heart and mouth under control.

When Trevor shifted his legs, bending them, hoping to mask an arousal that seemed hellbent on sticking around that night, Alucard asked softly, “Can you stand?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Alucard immediately stood at the words, putting Trevor to shame who could barely sit up on his own. Moving brought on such dizziness and even more nausea and pain. “Fucking hell…” 

“Give me your hand.”

Trevor grasped onto the offered hand and was grateful for it. He was quite sure he wouldn’t have been able to stand on his own. And he was grateful for the hands that grabbed his upper arms and kept him steady. 

“Are you okay?” The concern in his voice made Trevor warm.

"Yeah, I think."

If Alucard didn’t stop acting like this, Trevor was sure he’d be dragging him to the floor since his body wanted to be down there anyway. Outside of Sypha, Alucard was really the only person to show genuine concern for him in... He didn’t want to think about how many years he’d been alone, no matter how many bodies he’d been with. As such, Alucard’s concern made Trevor’s clingy stomach do flips.

God, he sure as fuck hoped Alucard meant something by all of this. Because if he didn’t, Trevor was sure he was setting himself for something brutal. It wouldn’t have been the first time.


	8. Chapter 8

“Have you eaten, Belmont?”

Trevor blinked at the question, more than a bit surprised Alucard had bothered to ask, which, again, did nothing for his stomach flips. But he wasn’t about to admit what the man did to him.  He wasn’t that far gone.  At least he fucking hoped so. His body's reactions though, ones the dhampir surely had no problem noticing, those couldn't be helped.

“I have. What makes you think I haven’t?”  And Trevor had eaten.  It wasn’t a lie.  It just hadn’t been all that much for the last couple of days.  He’d been meaning to go outside to hunt.  In fact, he’d promised himself he’d do it tomorrow.  Never mind it was the same promise he’d given himself yesterday.

“You look like hell.  And you’re shaking.”

“Oh, that...”  Feeling a bit loose in face of what nearly amounted to concerned affection, considering the way Alucard was still holding him upright, Trevor dressed his face with this best slanted smirk and roughened his voice to say, “Well, you tend to do that to me, Alucard.”

“Jesus Christ...  I’m being serious here.”

Trevor barked out a bit of laughter that didn’t do much for his lightheadedness. “Afraid of losing your sole food supply, are you?”

Apparently bent on ignoring the comment even though Trevor had been considerably serious in asking it, an idea that brought his nausea up a level, Alucard asked, “You think you can get into that pool without drowning?”

“I’ve made it this far in life, haven’t I?”

Alucard’s head shook a bit in the darkness. “That’s not saying anything, really.” 

"Well, fuck you too."  Trevor kind of meant that one.

And then the dhampir’s hands were at his pants, working at the buttons.

What the fuck?! He could take the jokes and the nastiness Alucard had been dishing out over the weeks, generally in stride, although a few of them had admittedly stung.  In fact, he’d been taking that kind of shit for years from everyone.  But considering everything, Alucard undressing him as if he was some infant, some pitiful, helpless human, was a bit too much. 

Plus, his hard-on still hadn’t gone down completely.  The damned thing tended to be like that, well-trained over the years in face of an opportunity.  How else would he get laid being drunk and pissed off at the world more than half the time?

Trevor’s hands grabbed Alucard’s a split second later, trying to stop them from dropping his pants, while the rest of him did its best effort to keep himself upright. “I’m not a fucking child!  I can do that myself.”

As the mini-battle that ensued, the stark contrast of how differently Alucard was treating him, from even just a week ago, slapped Trevor in the face.  He couldn’t get his mind completely wrapped around it.  At all. Where was this coming from?  And why was it directed at him, of all people in the world?  And the idea that popped into this head, again, did nothing for his hardon, again. 

Did... Did Alucard  _really_  care about him, like in the real sense? The latching onto the idea in Trevor's chest, it wasn't out of hope that it was more than a friendship thing. It was just a hope for anything.

And wasn’t Trevor supposed to be working Alucard out of this hellhole?  Instead... 

Well, instead, the outside world was becoming distant, despite him fighting against it.

Alucard only tried for a moment to continue disrobing the other man before he pulled his hands away.  And took a step back.  Quite abruptly at that.  Maybe he realized exactly what he was doing.  And to who.  Trevor could understand that, completely.

Suddenly not so sure he actually wanted Alucard to stop, Trevor swallowed and tried to smile in the darkness, tried to let the other guy off the hook.  “I’m fine. I’ll get it.”  As he wobbled there a bit, he looked around and saw the hint of one of those large columns just a few steps away. He walked over to it and used it as support to get his pants off in a semi-orderly fashion.  And, yes, trembling a bit, tried his damnedest to ignore the dhampir so nearby. And his own partial hard-on.  Luckily, it wasn’t that thick though, he noted, just long enough to say a generous hello. 

Once Trevor straightened, a bit out of breath but capable enough, Alucard still watched him.  Trevor knew he was watching him. And, at that moment, he really wanted to see the guy’s expression.  He wanted to know what he was thinking.  Badly.  And he hated that vulnerability, had spent years squashing it in face of so much ridicule and cruelty, but it was there between them nonetheless.

“Get cleaned up.  And try not to drown.  I’m going to get you something.”

And then Alucard left him, although he did take a moment to flip a switch.  Lights came on in the room, buzzing faintly with electricity.  Trevor flinched at the sudden brightness.  It was still amazing to see it.  There were few places in the world where such things existed.  And Dracula’s family owned every one of them.  As far as he knew, anyway.

Trevor carefully made his way to the water.  The idea of it admittedly pleased him to no end. The feel of it on his feet...  That was pure delight.  He walked in at the end that sloped in, feeling the water rise over his legs, until it reached his waist.  He stepped over then and gripped a side, willing himself to relax, before he found himself folding his arms and resting his head against his forearms.  When his eyes closed, feeling so much tension drain away from him and into the water, taking dirt and stink with it, he knew he was dangerously close to falling asleep.  So, he popped his eyes back open, blew out a trembling breath, and then backed up a step and dunked himself, scrubbing as he did it. When he resurfaced, he wiped water and hair out of his face with harsh little strokes and grabbed the wall again.

God, he hated feeling this weakened.  It been a while since he’d last been this far gone.  So many years into his life as a vagabond, he grown used to doing what he had to do to survive another day, a routine that filled his belly with a good amount of liquor and some food.  So, feeling like this wasn’t so common anymore.  But it did happen.  And he didn’t like it.

Standing there, catching himself nodding off more than once, he wasn’t sure how long Alucard was gone, but then the dhampir was kneeling before him, as if he’d always been there.  And the idea of him always being there, it made Trevor smile, even if he was stupid to do it.

On the ground was placed a large glass and a small capped bottle.  “Drink a couple of swallows of what’s in the bottle. And drink the water.” Trevor scoffed at the word water, and Alucard added, “You’re dehydrated. You need to drink something.”

“A beer would be nicer,” Trevor said with a hopeful smirk, watching the other man through half-closed lids.

“And dehydrating. Drink the water.”

Sighing, Trevor looked down, opened the little bottle, and took a whiff.  It smelled pretty good.  Mostly because it smelled like alcohol. “And this crap?”

“A tincture of my mother’s.  It’s a bit old but it should be fine.  She used it when...”

Trevor lifted his gaze at the pause and was sure he was seeing embarrassment, especially when Alucard looked away. Trevor started with, “Your mother..."  Then he added, "Never mind.  I don’t want to know.”

Alucard huffed dryly, looking back at him, but then looked close to tears all the sudden. Trevor imagined it was because of the memories of Alucard’s mother.  And he found himself wishing he’d met the woman, so he could understand better Alucard’s pure affection for her, so he could say something about her, although he didn't really know what he could have said anyway.  Memories of his own mother were so far away from him, because they were so painful, so he also understood when Alucard stood back up and walked away, but only after Trevor had taken a couple of distracting swallows that made him cough at the strong taste.  Alucard gathered up Trevor’s clothing in a bundle and put it near the door before he grabbed a white robe that had been hanging on a hook. The movements soft and effortless, Trevor watched him do it all, sleepily, not really realizing he was doing.

When Alucard was finally back in front of him, Trevor took the silent urging to heart and walked back out of the tub.  Halfway there, Alucard handed him the robe and he slipped it on once his feet were out of the water.  The thick linen cloth helped keep away the coolness of the air.

“Come with me.”

Trevor didn’t put up any fight this time around.  Didn’t even bother to try, not even in his own mind.  Alucard led him down the hallway and to a room that was adequately sized, more than generous for a standard human, and Trevor guessed it was a servant’s room.  Alucard flipped a switch in that room too.  That basically confirmed Trevor’s thoughts.  It was nicely decorated though nonetheless, simple but nice.

“I changed the sheets,” Alucard said, handing him the glass of water Trevor had forgotten to grab as Trevor walked by.  “It’s not exactly clean.  But I’m sure you’ve stayed in worse places.”

Turning around, Trevor grinned at the taunt, feeling a bit giddy in his exhaustion.  “Much worse.  You should see some of the shitholes I’ve slept in.  And you thought I stank..." Trevor eyed the dhampir for less than a second before he added, forgetting his apology again about being a dick, "You know, I could sleep with you though, if you’re really that concerned. I’m sure your room is nice.”  And he liked the idea.  Much more than he should have.

It had apparently been the wrong thing to say.  The hard stare Alucard gave him sobered him quite a bit and made his heart quicken.  And he wished it wouldn’t have done that because he had no doubt Alucard could sense the change.  But, instead of the multitude of things Alucard could have said, he simply muttered, “Drink the water and then sleep.  You need it,” and left the room, closing the door behind himself.

Jesus, the man was pushy when he cared...  And Trevor was pretty convinced at that point that Alucard did indeed care.


	9. Chapter 9

When the sun was just beginning to crack through the small windows to the far side of the room, stretching off the night a bit, Trevor couldn’t help but notice the folded clothes at the foot of the bed, his clothes, as well as Morning Star. All of it was placed there with far more care than Trevor ever would have bothered with.

Hell, he’d never folded a shirt in his life, not when he’d had the help in his household as a child. After his home had been burned to the ground, he’d washed his clothes wherever he could be bothered with it, hung them to dry, and stuck them right back on because he no longer had anything else to wear. And as long as these clothes still covered him, with minimal repairs, they were it.

At least he could say that for himself: He’d become rather skilled with a needle and thread.

The other thing that caught his attention, well before he started to get dressed, was the smell coming from somewhere outside his room. This time, it smelled good. Really fucking good. His stomach rumbled more than once before he managed to get dressed and out the door.

Trevor followed his nose and the small sounds to a kitchen on the far end of another corridor. Inside, it was a mess. Knives, peels, pans laid strewn about on the counters. On a butcher’s table laid the carved-up carcass of some animal, Trevor guessing a boar which were rather common in the area.

Finally, he noticed a table to the side where Alucard sat with his hand over a thick book. Yellow eyes were watching him take in the sights.

And the sight of it all... Trevor didn’t know how to react. This was... a bit too much. Again. He felt his chest tighten quite against his will. Then he had to force his face to tighten, lest he reveal how much it all really affected him. And it was silly to be so affected by it, but he was.

“Folding my laundry, cooking me breakfast... not even my own mother cared for me this much,” Trevor said it with a smirk, intending to spew it out laced with a heaping of sarcasm, but it unfortunately came out sounding like he was telling the truth. Probably because he was. But it wasn’t because his family shorted on their duties though. It was just the way of an upper-class family; Trivial things like cleaning and cooking were handled by the help.

Alucard glanced at the mess before he offered, “Well, I can’t let my meal go hungry, now can I?”

Trevor huffed. “That’s not really funny.”

Alucard smiled weakly. “No, it’s really not.” He stood up then and walked over to a large pot, pulling off the lid with a piece of cloth as a barrier. “I hunted while you slept. And I found some vegetables in that overgrown garden near your family’s home.”

“Right...” Trevor tried to block out the memories of the garden even as Alucard spoke of it. Changing the subject, he went with, “So, who taught you to cook? Your father, I’m assuming.”

Spooning up some of the delicious smelling stuff, Alucard smirked. “Of course. We all cooked together.”

“Seriously?”

“My family spent a lot of time in the kitchen. Remember, my mother wanted to heal the sick. My father taught her, well, taught both of us many things, a lot of it taking place in the kitchen. And she taught us how to cook. I was mostly there for the ride, honestly, but still. It rubbed off on me.”

Trevor supposed he could understand that. After all, his whole life was dedicated to some semblance of what his family had been. And he’d been taught many things before he’d lost everything. But he wished he’d listened more and not been so negligent in his duties before it’d been too late to take it all back. Hell, he hadn’t even let his tutors teach him how to read. He’d been too busy doing everything he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Outside of fighting anyway. That he took to like it was air.

Alucard brought the bowl to the table and set it down. Following suit, Trevor was behind him, having no shame in being hungry when the food smelled so fucking good.

When he tried to sit down though, Alucard turned and said, “Could I check the wounds?”

That stopped Trevor dead in his tracks. Standing so close together, it was difficult to play it off like the idea of it didn’t affect him. But it did indeed. “It’s fine.” When Alucard didn’t back down right away, Trevor jested, “Do you have a disease or something? Should I be worried?”

“No... I just want to make sure it’s not infected or anything. If it is, there are things I can give you.”

And already remembering his thoughts about Alucard’s past from last night, Trevor found himself asking, “You seem to... Have you fed from many people?”

Suddenly, Alucard’s eyes were hard to escape with them standing so close. Trevor held his breath. Alucard’s whole being radiated hunger. And Trevor had thought he was hungry...

Alucard’s eyes closed for a moment, the man sucking in a breath, before he confessed, “You have no idea what it’s like to be like this. Forever wanting something I should never want in the first place. To be near you like this...”

After the first sentence, Trevor’s breaths had no problem trembling as his heart thudded. He wanted to back down, some part of him really did, but he found himself holding his ground anyway. “I think I have some idea.”

Keeping his gaze locked on Trevor’s, Alucard lifted his hand and carefully pulled at Trevor’s collar, revealing his skin. And then Alucard looked. And Trevor let him, finding himself tilting his neck a bit to give the dhampir a better view of what he’d done to him the evening before. And then Alucard was leaning forward, his mouth coming so close again to that same place that it was all Trevor could do to not back away. Or go in the opposite direction and pull Alucard closer with a grip on his hair. He wanted to do something, anything. But he also didn’t want to break the moment since he had a hell of a knack for doing just that. Hot breath on his neck goosepimpled his skin.

Alucard breathed in deeply through his nose, drawing the scent of Trevor’s hair, skin, and probably blood. “I wish you hadn’t come back here.”

Trevor closed his eyes and fisted his hands so that he wouldn’t grab with other man. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“We always have a choice. As long as we breathe, we have one.”

The guy was right. He’d thought as much before. He gritted his teeth for a moment before he said, “Fine. I wanted to come back. I didn’t want to leave you here alone. The idea of it... You don’t deserve what I’ve gone through all these years alone, Alucard, you just don’t. As it is...”

At the pause, Alucard offered, both of them surely knowing full well it was the truth, “I’m hated just for being what I am?”

“Yes...”

“But not by you.”

And that was all Trevor could take. He grabbed the man by his hair with both hands and forced him into a kiss. Well, force probably wasn’t exactly what it was since Alucard would have had no real problem resisting, but Trevor could still tell he’d shocked the shit out of Alucard by doing it due to the sudden hitching of Alucard’s breath through his nose.

He found himself being swung around and lifted onto the table as if he weighed nothing and grabbed by the hair at his nape of his neck. That brought their teeth to grind together as Trevor tasted what he could of the dhampir’s mouth. Growing insatiably hard, Trevor wrapped his legs around Alucard’s waist, yanking him close, grinding at him. At that point, he was quite sure his man would soon be his lover, if not at that moment. At least he hoped so, more than he cared about the fact that this was wrong. Because it wasn’t wrong. It just couldn’t be.

When they gained a rhythm that would surely get Trevor off quickly, Alucard forced himself away and nipped at Trevor’s jaw. “Fuck, Trevor.” Back to calling him Trevor, apparently. After a couple more grinds that were bringing heated, panting groans out of Trevor, Alucard growled, “You really should eat.”

“So should you.” He’d said it without thinking. Even Alucard paused at it.

“That’s not a good idea.”

And how often did Trevor ever come up with good ideas? And why the fuck did Alucard have to be so reasonable right now?

...Perhaps that reasonableness came from a lifetime of denial, of knowing what his wants could do to another, even to someone he cared about. But that didn’t mean Trevor liked him reasonable or wanted him be. And, obviously, Trevor could admit, it was a good thing that Alucard’s reasonableness was there because, at the rate he was going, if it was up to Trevor, he’d probably flop dead from blood loss sooner than later.

But if asked, he wouldn’t have been able to explain why he gave so freely, why he wanted the people he cared about to have everything he was. Maybe he was just seeking what he’d lost when he was twelve years old and had been denied every minute of his life since then: unconditional love.

But with this man, this dhampir, this demon-spawn, this creature he was supposed to hate?

...Well, why the fuck not?

Looking at Alucard’s mouth, to a thing that could give him so much pleasure and take his life in the next moment, Trevor rather enjoyed seeing the redness all over Alucard’s mouth and jaw from his whiskers. Alucard groaned when Trevor lifted his head and scraped his teeth against that jaw, biting at it, Alucard’s breathing as heavy as Trevor’s own as Alucard ground him into the table.

“I-I think we should take our pants off,” Trevor panted out after a good grind set his back arching.

And it was then that Trevor’s stomach decided to rumble loudly. They both stopped at it, as if listening to the sounds of a predator.

“I really think—“

“Jesus Christ, fucking hell, don’t say it!”

Alucard laughed then, just a small one, as he nuzzled Trevor’s neck, but it shocked Trevor indefinitely more than the stomach growl. And he’d been wondering yesterday if he’d even be able to get the man to smile...

Trevor didn’t delude himself into thinking Alucard was happy or anything, but laughing, even just a bit, was so much better than eternal misery. It gave him hope, real hope this time. But he still didn’t know for what. If he couldn’t convince Alucard to leave with him, then what did they have to hope for? A lifetime together in this place?

...And that didn’t seem like such a bad idea, something he wouldn’t have even considered weeks ago.

But what about Sypha? And the rest of the world? He still didn’t know if it was safe out there and never would if he—.

“What are you thinking about?” Alucard asked before nudging Trevor’s mouth with his soft lips.

Trevor realized they’d completely stopped what they were doing. Not that his dick had stopped, but close enough. He hadn’t expected to be called out on his thoughts though, so he blundered it with, “I... I don’t know.”

“Not surprising.”

“Shut up.” But Trevor said it with a smile.

Alucard smiled back and kissed him briefly. “You make me forget about things I shouldn’t be.”

Mission accomplished! Sort of. And they still had to leave, right? “You know, forgetting, that’s probably a good thing.”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Alucard kissed a line over his jaw, down his throat, and teased sharp teeth over his skin, making Trevor suck in a hiss as he tilted his head back. “But if I’d know there was even a chance you’d be under me right now, I might not have let you leave. I didn’t know you...”

“Trust me, if I’d known you’d be between my legs right now... Well, that doesn’t matter does it? I came back anyway.”

“You did.” Then Alucard pulled away from him and no matter how much Trevor tried to pull him back down, Alucard didn’t let up. That left Trevor sitting up and wrapping his legs even tighter. “I’m not going to fuck you on a kitchen table next to a bowl of soup you should be eating.”

Trevor groaned as the dhampir detangled himself from his limbs. “Fucking hell, Alucard, why do you have to have so much bloody control?”

Alucard grinned again. “Be glad I do.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Alucard laughed with a smile. “Well, I am. Eat. And then, well, maybe we can figure out something else to do.”

Trevor liked the sound of that and spent the next few minutes sloppily eating his soup, daydreaming about it, while Alucard when back to his book. But, more often than not, Trevor could feel his eyes on him. And it kept the burn going in his body.


	10. Chapter 10

And after Trevor had chugged down a couple of bowlfuls of mouthwatering soup, they...

Cleaned up a bit. Okay, Trevor could understand that. The place was a mess. Even he could see that. He did his best to help clean up the clutter, following Alucard’s lead since the guy obviously knew his way around this particular kitchen.

Then they set to work on finishing up the boar carcass. Yeah, no reason to let good meat go to waste. Right? Never mind there were practically herds of the bastards running around in the forest. The work went on quietly and he couldn’t help but wonder if it would have been different with Sypha there. Well, of course it would have been. The woman did enough talking for them both.

And thinking of her brought a smile to his face. He wondered where she was now, if she’d found her people yet, if she was waiting for him and getting royally pissed off that he hadn’t made his way to Braila yet. Well, probably not. In another week or two though...

But, yeah, the quiet... To break the tedium, Trevor tried to crack the occasional joke or egg Alucard on, but the longer they stayed together, the less willing Alucard was to talk. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable silence, but it still left Trevor a bit uneasy.

With any downtime, Alucard returned to his book. That left Trevor to order his dick farther between his legs. And to wander the halls, peeking in different rooms, when he couldn’t stand just sitting there anymore.

Overall, they spent several hours slicing up the meat and drying it in a smoker so that the meat would keep for the days to come. It smelled delicious, admittedly, and sent his belly rumbling more than once.

“Have some, if you want.”

Suddenly hearing Alucard’s voice after so much silent, meditative cooking, Trevor startled but then caught himself and scoffed at him with a smirk. “You’re just trying to fatten me up.”

Alucard did nothing to deny it, just smiled faintly and kept working. The smile faded almost immediately.

Trying to ignore the smile that ran away, trying to have something Trevor could call patience and understanding, he took a couple tangy-sweet pieces to chew on as they stored the rest of the meat in a large box that was somehow cool inside, as cold as a late fall night, without ice or anything. He’d felt a lot of nights like that over the years, alone in the dark with nothing but the owls, beetles, racoons, bats, crickets, snakes and all else that creepeth at night to keep him company. So, he knew this mechanical box would help the food keep. Huddled in his cloak, he’d just barely survived similar cold himself, waking up to chattering teeth and whole-body tremors. Not even alcohol had helped on those nights, outside of giving him a better chance of freezing to death. No, not his best memories.

When Alucard left to dispose of the carcass, Trevor scrubbed up the counter and then his arms the best he could in yet another marvel. He didn’t know how the water came out of the faucet into the large basin that drained just as quickly. All he had to do was turn the lever. But it worked, just like the fountain in the pool. And the toilets he’d been introduced to a week before. He still had no clue how those worked, but he was pretty sure such a device could change the world, one shit at a time. Perhaps they all functioned like the pumps he’d come across in his lifetime. However these devices managed it though, he had nothing to do with it outside of turning a lever.

Decently clean, Trevor sat back down and waited. When that took a bit too long, he pulled over the book and tried to find some pictures or words he recognized. There were quite a few diagrams, but they appeared mechanical in nature, going well beyond his understanding. The words were just as hopeless. He could pick out a few of the smaller ones. For the most part though, he was just flipping through the book, trying to not be bored out of his fucking mind.

He hated quiet times like this, at least lately, because his brain inevitably wanted a drink as his mind went to places he didn’t want to be. His body wasn’t far behind wanting that drink, although he was sure certain parts were already begging for mercy. He'd seen plenty of career alcoholics in his lifetime. They weren't pretty sights. Like he was one to judge.

When Alucard appeared again in the doorway, he stared at Trevor, his face blank, but his fingers tightened for a moment on the doorframe.

...Uh, was he not supposed to be waiting or something? Weren’t they going to, well...

“I’m going to clean up,” Alucard said after a moment and then walked away.

“Yeah, okay... I’ll just be waiting here, Alucard.” Trevor just heard quieter, receding steps. “This fucking hardwood feels bloody great on my arse! Hell of a lot better than something else I can think of!” Trevor taunted at the empty doorway. Then he sat there slumping forward with his elbows on his knees, glaring at the doorway, at nothing. It didn’t surprise him Alucard didn’t come back.

...But after their half-assed mutual masturbation session, he’d expected a bit more... acknowledgement? Anything more than a cursory glance. It was like Alucard had done a complete turn around and had marched on and hadn’t looked back.

Had he done something wrong? Did he smell bad already? Was he just expecting too much? Was the guy tired? Tired of him? Was obsessive misery taking over again? Was he just not looking for a good, hard fuck at the moment? Did he want him to follow? Did he want him to stay the hell away?

Trevor really had nothing to work with, outside of easy dismissal, and it made his stomach twist.

He didn’t mind instigating. In fact, as battle-worn and pissed off at the world as he was, if he wanted to get laid, the vast majority of the time he had to be doing the instigating, with anyone, not just Alucard. But how many times could he really justify it and still say he wasn’t pushing? And he really didn’t want to push.

Well, obviously a part of him did, but the other part, the human part...

“Well, fuck it then...” If the guy didn’t want to talk, do anything, then whatever. It wasn’t like Trevor didn’t better things to do with his time, like… Well, the whole damned reason he was here was because of Alucard. At least it was now.

Maybe he needed to expand those reasons again. Yeah, what was a good idea. Fucking genius, in fact. It was better than him sitting here like a pitiful hound desperate for a bit of attention.

Still uneasy and confused nonetheless, Trevor left the kitchen and then found himself leaving the wing, walking down the stairs and to the room he’d stayed the week in. Swimming around in his mind was the knowledge that Alucard could lock him out of the wing. But if the dhampir really didn’t want him around, did he have the right to insist that he stay? He knew the answer was no.

Inside the room, he grabbed his sword and bag and walked right back out. Then he walked to the front door, glad to be leaving behind so many responsibilities, at least for the moment. He was good at doing that, better than most. For the most part.

Once outside, he dropped his bag on the steps and walked out some ways in between the two broken structures. He swung his sword around in the afternoon sun, warming his muscles up, imagining vampires and demon-spawn trying to spill his guts out for a slow death or rip apart his neck for a quick one. Either one would have been painful nonetheless.

Almost a half an hour later, sun baked, Trevor was a sweating, panting, trembling mess, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. But Alucard still hadn’t left his mind and it was driving him half insane.

Maybe Alucard was right: He shouldn’t have come back, as if he hadn't thought that before. Just hours before through, the guy had straight-out said he wished he hadn’t come back. The memory of the words hurt more than they should have, considering what had followed immediately after. Hell, they’d come damned close to declaring eternal love and devotion. Okay, that was obviously pushing it, but it was still close.

“God... What the fuck does this guy want from me?” he growled under his breath.

Well, maybe they were just back at square one. And the idea of that... How many times could they start at square one? How many times could he take it and still laugh it off like it didn’t bother him? How many times would Alucard do it before the dhampir himself was fed up?

And why the hell would they even be at square one again?

Trevor plopped down on the ground and then laid on it, ignoring the pushes of weeds and rocks. His eyes closed as he let the sun keep baking him. It only took a few seconds before he flopped an arm over his eyes.

No wonder he didn’t even try at relationships anymore. This hell wasn’t worth it.

If Alucard and Sypha hadn’t become so close to him during their travels over the weeks, hadn’t become unavoidable facts in his life, hadn’t made him care about someone again, Trevor wouldn’t have bothered with them either. And he should have taken the hint when Alucard had wanted to remain here alone.

It wasn’t until nearly dusk that he bothered to get up, mostly because ominous thunderheads were rolling in and making the evening prematurely dark. The thought of water made him think to look for some alcohol. It wasn’t the first time he’d thought it that day, but now he was more than ready for some.

Fuck, he’d held off enough, hadn’t he? There wasn’t any imminent mortal danger lurking. Sypha wasn’t there to bemoan over how much he reeked. And Alucard, well, fuck him. As if he really had any reason to care what a dhampir thought anyway.

And he made sure he kept thinking that as he went back to the fortress, grabbing his bag on the way, stalked past the swine morgue while he held his breath. He did indeed find another kitchen just as thunder cracked outside. Windows came aglow as rain pelted the glass and wind rattled them violently. It was a hell of a storm, he noted absentmindedly, but he had more important things to worry about.

Trevor searched through every cupboard and drawer in the huge multi-room space for nearly ten minutes before he found what he was looking for. He grabbed the first bottle his hand touched and did his best to read the label. After some rudimentary deciphering, he realized it was a good wine too. Expensive. He remembered his parents calling it by name. And that memory made him pry out the plug and drink down several heavy gulps that had him gasping for air afterwards. At least these fucking vampires had good taste.

His stomach empty, after a couple more swallows, he was already feeling the effects. And it felt so familiar and therefore so right. Blood rushed through his ears as he drank swallow after swallow, gasping for air when he had to. When he’d drank it nearly half gone, feeling a bit better, more in control if that made any fucking sense at all, he grabbed another bottle for later and then made his way upstairs.

Staircase after staircase, using his shoulder as support to keep himself from falling as he drank his fill, it took him a while to realize he’d made it almost all the way to the top. He hadn’t really meant to, had thought to avoid Alucard altogether, but apparently his thoughtless subconscious had other ideas.

Well, he supposed, he could at least see if Alucard had locked him out yet.

When he came to the expansive doors, they were still wide open. He stared down the dark hallway for a couple of minutes, again using the wall as support as he breathed heavily, sweating and heart pitter pattering, before he forced his feet forward. If the guy hadn’t kicked him out, well, he’d stay here then. He wasn’t so sure he could make it back down the stairs without falling down half of them or more.

Once he made it into his servant’s quarters, he tossed the second bottle to the bed, along with his bag and sword, lest he trip over it. Then he tried to set the bottle down with care but had to grab it again by the neck because it wobbled more than he did. “God, am I that fucking drunk already?” He tried to focus on the bottle and couldn’t really deny he was indeed drunk off his ass. It seemed awfully fast, but, then again, he’d pretty much lost the passage of time on all those stairs.

And then the world shifted. A loud groan, like the rumble of a wounded dragon, filled the air, almost deafening even over the thunder. The floor tilted again, landing him on his backside. It couldn’t have been all in his head, it just couldn’t have been.

He crawled back to the hallway, not trusting his feet until he got to the doorframe. Then he shoved himself up, grasping at the solid wood to keep him steady. Then the whole of the structure seemed to jump. Or had it sunk?

“Oh my God...”

Trevor staggered out into the hallway. Another violent jolt, laced with the scream of metal and stone, sent him to the floor in a mess of limbs until he slammed into the far door.

When he could catch his breath, he cried out, “Alucard?!” into the cavernous hallway that suddenly seemed to extend forever. And then the world seemed light as air before he slammed back down onto the floor. And then it happened again. And again. The second time, he cracked his head, sending sparks of pain through his body. The third one, he barely felt, so lost in his misery.

The whole hallway came alive with a roar. Heat, hardness covered him, plastering him against the door as the door basically became the floor in an ear-wreaking explosion of sound. A wounded shout sounded so near his ear. And he knew it was Alucard. A seeming eternity later, it was quiet, outside of the thunder and the pelting rain and the furious wind. Those things and the haggard breathing that nearly matched his own and his raging heart.

Trevor forced open his eyes in the dark night and tried to shift, but he was held down, almost pressed to the door by the body above him.

“Trevor, I-I need you t-to move,” Alucard words were hot against his neck. Trevor had seldom heard words filled with so much pain. “Please.”

And Trevor tried his damnedest to move, shoving at rubble that was blocking his way. His hands were bloody and splintered by the time he broke through with a hole big enough for him to squeeze through. And then he twisted around, trying to reach back in to help the other man.

“Move,” Alucard roared at him.

Startled, Trevor did, landing on his backside in his urgency to get away. And then suddenly Alucard was in front of him as if he’d always been there, on his hands and knees, his whole body shaking in the flashes of light. His clothes were tatters. Blood fell from deep gouges.

“Jesus Christ... Alucard,” Trevor wept, his voice trembling. He got into his hands and knees and shifted forward enough to touch the other man on his shoulder.

“We need to get out. It still might collapse completely.”

Proving how inhuman the dhampir truly was, Alucard shoved himself to his feet then and grabbed ahold of Trevor’s upper arm, dragging him to his feet. Trevor stumbled to keep up but Alucard was relentless. At the far window, crawling up rubble to reach it, the glass already broken, they both looked out into the pitch-black night. Icy wind and rain drenched them both. Lightning streaked across the blackened clouds. They saw that the ground was well beyond comfortable jumping distance, at least for Trevor. Below was half the rubble of his destroyed home.

“I-I can’t make that!”

“You don’t have to.”

Alucard wrapped his arms around Trevor and pushed off the edge of the window frame. They fell but landed so softly that it was almost a joke. Together, they darted away, Trevor stumbling along the best he could, from the structures that groaned and screamed into the night. When they finally reached the tree line and looked back, Trevor could see that nearly half of the fortress had disappeared into the earth. The other half had broken off and had landed more or less on its side.

“Good God...” Trevor whispered, unbelieving of what he was seeing.

Even as they watched, the whole of it all continued to cave in, crumble, and waste away as the wind and rain raged on. They stood on in silence, neither of them apparently having the will to move. At least until over an hour later as the rain finally let up just a small bit. By then, tears had been streaming from Trevor’s eyes, mixing in with the rain, his throat and jaw tight and pained from trying to not let it show, as he watched his family home completely disappear from existence.

Shivering in the cold, wet wind, Trevor looked to the other man. He couldn’t even see Alucard breathe. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched Alucard’s arm, feeling cool flesh through the tattered sleeve. “Alucard, I...”

“My... My name is Adrian.”

“But...”

“Who I was...” Adrian’s jaw clenched as he breathed harshly, shakily through his nose.

Trevor realized the man was trying his damnedest to not cry. He grabbed his arm fully, trying to pull Adrian against him. When Adrian wouldn’t budge, Trevor immediately stepped around to the front to him instead and drew him into a tight embrace, forgetting about the gashes and probable bruises although they’d probably mostly healed by then. Adrian stood stiffly for several seconds before his face nestled against Trevor’s soaked neck. And then his whole body shook as a weak wail made Trevor hold him tighter, a hand weaving into thick, sodden hair that clung to his skin and holding it tight. The wail broke into sobs.

“I-I’m so sorry,” Trevor chocked out next to his ear, tears coming to his own eyes and mixing with the rain that wouldn’t stop. “I’m so sorry.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to God_of_Insanity, because this chapter is her fault, even if she didn't mean it to be. *lick*

With no way to tell what were tears or rain, outside of perhaps a lick, Adrian peeled away from Trevor minutes later. Peeled because Trevor didn’t want to let him go. 

Right away, Trevor felt selfish, greedy because didn’t want to lose the contact that felt so fucking good compared to everything else.  So much better than alcohol. So much better than anything he could remember, really, for the past decade.  At least this man was warm, made him warm. At least Adrian could and eventually did hold him back. At least Adrian hadn’t ignored him, tossed him aside, scorned him, beat the shit out of him. Well, hadn’t beat the shit out of him recently, anyway.

Honestly, Trevor hadn’t meant to feel any of that leech-like need.  Worse, he wasn’t so sure he could completely blame the alcohol.  He’d only meant to comfort his friend when he’d embraced him. But, God, he didn’t want to go back to reality where Adrian might say no or, worse, so much worse, walk away.

But, not surprisingly, none of that inner torment stopped Adrian who pulled away completely with some effort. The wind and rain again drenched the part of Trevor that had become so warm. Within seconds, he was shivering again. But Adrian didn’t. Maybe he couldn’t feel the cold.

Shoving some soaked hair out of his eyes, when Trevor met Adrian’s gaze, he realized the man was watching him. It caught his breath. But Adrian said nothing, did nothing as the rain continued to pelt them, although Trevor was sure he wanted to say something.

Unable to keep the silence, uneasy with the scrutiny, Trevor choked out, “What?”

It wasn’t until then that Trevor could guess at least one of the reasons why Adrian was watching him so closely, with so much ambivalence. Trevor was drunk, lazy eyed, wobblily at best. Granted, it was fading but it was still there. And to add proof of his drunkenness, even with the rain, the scent of it surely still clung to him, even if only on his breath. 

Yes, there was that. No surprise. Adrian clearly hated it when he drank, always had, and Trevor hated that judgement even as he understood it.

But Trevor also couldn’t escape the feeling that the dhampir was looking at him like Trevor had done something far more wrong than just taking a drink, like he’d caused all of this when he sure as fuck hadn’t.

...Or was that just his guilty conscious wreaking havoc?  Again. 

Trevor gritted his teeth, his body.  No.  No.

And he opened his mouth to say as much, to tell the dhampir to go to fucking hell, to say that none of this was his fault, never had been his fault. But, even as he wanted to say the words, he knew that was a lie, that all of this was his fault. It was.

That knowledge stayed him even as he outwardly denied the possibility because he just couldn’t stand the truth, as he blurted out, “Don’t look at me like this is my fault.”

The way Adrian’s face scrunched up a bit in his obvious confusion made Trevor want to grab a hold of him again and bury his face against his neck, to stop this before it started, to stop his own mind. Fervently, Adrian breathed out, “This wasn’t your fault.”

“It sure as fuck wasn’t!” The words were too shrill, too underlyingly guilty.  And then he couldn’t stop the instant frustrated tears gushing out again. He tried to turn away, to get away from the other man, to run, as his mind tried to commit suicide. Again.

But there was no escaping the truth, no matter how much he drank or fucked or tried to destroy himself.

This, all of it, even this day, was his fault because every event in his life from when his parents had died, well, every day since he’d been born, all of it had led up to this moment. And he’d known this fact since he was twelve years old as he’d watched his home burn, watched his family die inside, and didn’t do a thing to change his newfound place in hell.

Just as he knew the truth now. And, on this hellish, drunken night, every decision he’d ever made, every person he’d fucked, beat the shit out of, killed, hated and loved, everything he’d lost and thrown away, every bit of it had led to this moment. Everything.

If he hadn’t joined Adrian and Sypha, if he’d fucking listened for once and not tried to show up that boy...  Really, if he hadn’t been born, then none of this shit would have happened, although, admittedly, he non-existence wouldn’t have stopped Dracula from being a crazy mother fucker.  But at least he wouldn’t have felt this.

Adrian grabbed him by his upper arm, stopping him from moving away. “Trevor, this wasn’t your fault!”

“Get the fuck off me!” Trevor shouted as he tried to rip his arm away. When that didn’t work, he gripped his whip still attached to his belt. He hadn’t even thought to check for it before that moment. The moment he touched it, drunk or not, he stopped, realizing what he was about to do and to whom, and at a time when they’d both lost everything. Even Adrian held his breath for that moment, eyes wide.

Well, they’d lost everything except for maybe each other. The idea forced out another deranged sob, one he wished he could have stopped because he was sure even that was slipping and he didn’t want it to be so.

Without warning, too fast to catch the motion, Adrian was suddenly before him, gripping his face with both hands, holding his jaw so tightly that the only way Trevor could have escaped the other man’s glowing eyes would have been to close his own.  “Jesus, Trevor.  This isn’t... Why would you even think that?”

Trevor’s eyes clenched shut, his hands grapping at Adrian’s trying to pry them off his face. When that didn’t work, he forced out, “Please, just...”

“Trevor—”

“It is!”  He tried again to pull away, but Adrian refused to let him go. His grips were like vices. Trevor chocked down a sob. “Please just—You don’t fucking know.”

“You’re absolutely right.  I have no fucking clue how you could ever think this is your fault.”

Trevor couldn’t help but open his eyes, to look at the man so close to himself.  He shouldn’t have looked because it made him choke on another sob.  Wanting a way out of this, because he’d trapped himself in this even if Adrian was the one holding him, although he’d still later he’d blame the alcohol for admitting, “I killed my family.”

“What?” The dhampir shook his head but never stopped looking at him with those confused yellow eyes.  “What are you talking about? You didn’t...”  The words failed with Adrian’s confused frown that morphed into consideration. 

Yeah, it wasn’t so hard to consider, was it?  Or to believe, no less.

“Trevor...”

“Trust me, I did.  I did.”

Adrian took a step closer, so that their bodies just barely touched.  “I don’t believe you.”

“Why the hell would that be so hard to believe?”

Without hesitation, Adrian whispered back, “Because I don’t believe you could ever kill a person you love.”

Trevor hacked a tearful, yet dry laugh.  “And yet, they’re dead.”

Adrian stared at him, his eyes alight.  Then he shook his head slightly again.  “You didn’t kill them.”

Huffing another laugh, unable to stop his trembling, Trevor closed his eyes again.  He wanted to distance himself.  He wanted this to stop. 

But he also couldn’t help but want to explain himself.  He wanted this man to understand.  He wanted someone to understand.  But he also knew it was the most despicable part of himself and he didn’t want to lose Adrian.

Nonetheless, because Adrian seemed hellbent on making him say it, because, well, maybe Trevor just wanted someone else to punish him while knowing full-well why they should, his mouth spilled words he’d never told a soul before that night:

“I might not have been the one to bind them and set them on fire, but it was still my fucking fault!”  He swallowed and then met Adrian’s eyes, his whole body tense with fury and self-hatred. “I never listened to them, to my parents.  I was a bastard of a child.  You wouldn’t believe the number of times I was whipped.” He smiled a pained smile.  “Or maybe you would.  But... There was this boy... I told him who we were.  Who we really were.  I fucking bragged about it because he wouldn’t shut the hell up about...” Trevor huffed with absolutely no humor.  “Like it matters. Less than a week later, after night fell, while I was outside sneaking some fucking tomatoes from the garden, they came, and I was so scared that I hid from them. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen priests do.”  Trevor cringed when he remembered what happened to Adrian’s mother. “Or maybe you can.”

Then the memories of Trevor’s own mother’s screams strived to shatter his mind.  It wouldn’t have been the first time, had they succeeded. 

He felt a finger caress his face, distracting him the tiniest bit. 

“Trevor...”

Trevor gritted his teeth at his name.  The temptation to stop, to let Adrian make him forget everything, even if only for a while, was like forbidden fruit that was sure to be heaven to taste.  The alcohol still flooding him would have made sure of it. 

But for some reason, Trevor couldn’t stop. 

Maybe he was just hellbent with the desire to get the terrible memories out, perhaps to save himself from ever thinking them again which was, of course, wishful thinking.  Or maybe he really just wanted someone to finally know the truth of what he’d done, so they could understand why he hated so much, mostly himself.

“When I heard her screaming... I saw what they did from the window.  And I didn’t have the balls to do anything. I should have gone in there, done something!  I should have been the first to die.  Dying with them would have been better than...  God, if they could see me now...” His face scrunched up as he tried his damnedest to not cry.  Damn his pitiful tears to hell.  “Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch your own mother beg for mercy for the one that got her killed?  She begged for my life while I hid like a goddamned coward!”

“Trevor, you were only twelve years old.”

For Adrian to minimalize this, to act like it wasn’t his fault when he knew in his beaten, blackened heart it was, it pissed him off to no end.

“I know exactly what I was!”  Trevor tried to yank away again.  And it pissed him off even more just how easy it was for Adrian to keep his hold.  “Let go of me, God damn you!”

“You’ve never told a single person about this, have you?”

“Get off me!” Trevor shoved at the man’s chest.

“This is why you’ve—”

Trevor punched Adrian square in the gut with everything he had.  The only thing it really did was make Adrian stop.  They held each other gazes for a second, Trevor wanting to explode all over him with every pent-up fury he’d had for a decade.  Then Adrian let him go and stepped back, never relenting his stare.  Breathing heavily, heart thudding, body hot and trembling, so drunk Trevor wanted to throw up and be done with it, Trevor stumbled back a step as well. The mutual stare lasted only a few seconds.

“Damn you to hell,” Trevor snarled and then stalked around Adrian and into the woods, leaving so much behind.  But he didn’t care.  At least that was what he kept telling himself.


	12. Chapter 12

In the black night only lit by the occasional lightning strike, drunk, storming off like he was, pissed off but becoming muddled as to why he was raging, Trevor didn’t make it very far, maybe a couple dozen steps, before he tripped over a tree root and fell fast. Had his reflexes not been so dulled by the alcohol, had he not been living inside of his own head, he probably would have caught himself. Luckily it wasn’t a paved road or anything. He’d done that a couple of times before. It hadn’t been pretty either time. One of them, he hadn’t even woken up until morning with a huge goose egg of a bump on his forehead and a broken nose.

This time, the ground was soft, as soft as sparse grass, weeds, moss, leaves, and dirt could be, anyway. It was kind of nice, in its own way.

His anger gone like it’d never been there, he laid there a moment, confused how he’d even gotten there in the first place. His lip hurt like a bitch, along with his nose. He was pretty sure one or both were bleeding.

Then he rolled over unceremoniously and stared up at nothing as raindrops made their way through the canopy and hit his face. One hit his swelling lip. He licked them and tasted blood and dirt, never mind the rain. With a harsh wipe, he tried to clean the mud and blood in his mouth. It didn’t do much at all because his sleeve was dirty too.

Okay, he had to take back the nice part, as the wind continued to steal his heat. The ground wasn’t any better than stone, like a bed of ice against his shivering flesh that tried its damnedest to be warm.

Lying there, he fought with his brain, trying to straighten his muddled thoughts, until Adrian’s face came to mind, the way Adrian had been looking at him when Trevor had... God, the things he’s said... What the fuck had he been thinking?

Trevor clenched his eyes shut, rolled to his side, and curled up his body, trying to conserve his heat, wishing he could tear apart his mind until there was nothing left and he didn’t have to think about any of this anymore. If only he had the balls...

Something touched his shoulder, gripped it. “Trevor...”

Jerking his shoulder out of the touch because he was damned sure he didn’t want it, he was surprised Adrian let him go. “Just fuck off before I fucking throw up,” he growled, even as his teeth chattered together.

And then Trevor was being lifted, again, to his feet and forced to move. He gripped at his hair as his head swam from the abruptness, tripping along a short way and then Adrian pushed him down again and sat next to him wrapping an arm around him, pulling him against his chest, as Adrian’s back rested against what was presumably a tree. The rain fell less here.

Trevor tried to yank away again, confused as to why Adrian was even doing this in the first place, not wanting something that, well, amounted to comradery. “Get the fuck off me!” Hearing his own voice in his head made it hurt worse.

“Just shut the fuck up, okay? You’re going to freeze out here. Or bash your face in even worse. Either one.”

Adrian pulled him tighter and seemed to radiate heat. Or maybe Trevor was just unbelievably cold. That heat called to his body like a siren’s song. Well, at least his body had more sense than his mind and his body pushed in more fully at a particularly hard wind, sort of, not really against his will.

When the hell was this shit going to let up? He knew it could rain for hours yet, all the way to dawn or past. There was no way to tell when it’d stop. But at least they had something of a shelter. At least he had, well, Adrian.

Giving in because the alternative suddenly seemed moronic even to his drunk brain, Trevor pressed his forehead against the man’s neck, his body melding, trying to rob some of that heat. Then he huffed at his obvious neediness and drew in a deep shaky breath through his nose. God, he smelled good. “I’m surprised you don’t just let me freeze.”

“I don’t hate you that much, Vampire Hunter.”

The words made Trevor smile, even as his teeth chattered. He wrapped his arm around Adrian’s waist. It took a few minutes before he stopped shivering so much. It only took a couple more before his eyes were closed more than they were open.

Sleepily, Trevor mumbled, “You’re so nice. Why are you so nice?”

“Because you’re drunk and smelly and violent and an asshole.”

“Oh,” Trevor felt himself slipping closer to oblivion. “I thought it was because you like me.”

Adrian’s mouth brushed against the top of Trevor’s damp head. “Well, there’s that too.”

The words, the closeness, the affection, all if it together instantly made Trevor’s face crinkle up as tears threatened again. Apparently sensing it, Adrian hushed him, held him tighter, but it really did no good, because Adrian’s affection had been the cause of them.

Trevor whispered past the tightness in his throat, “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. And when you wake up, it’s going to be a new day, and all of this will have been yesterday.” There was that temptation to forget again, and from Adrian no less. But, in all honesty...

“I don’t regret all of it,” Trevor sighed as he remembered that morning.

“Nor do I.”

Trevor couldn’t help but not believe him, remembering how Adrian had drifted away after trying to get off on each other’s groins. “You don’t?”

“No.”

Did the dhampir mean it? He didn’t know. The single word held far too much emotion for it to be a simple no. Or maybe Adrian was simply thinking about something else. If only Trevor had been born psychic instead of a vampire hunter, well, then he probably wouldn’t have met this man in the first place.

Yes, his every choice had led to so much destruction. But it’d also led him to Adrian.

...But even so, if it’d made any difference in the world, he would have forsaken this feeling to have his parents alive. And maybe, one day, he would have met Adrian anyway, and they could have...

Trevor tried to picture himself sober, clean, not such an asshole, meeting Adrian for the first time. Well, fuck, Trevor probably would have tried to kill him then too. He hacked a laugh and nuzzled deeper.

Adrian pressed his lips to Trevor’s head and Trevor thought his heart might burst. Adrian murmured, “Try to sleep some, if you can.”

Sleepy, still drunk, still loose of tongue, as if it was ever tight, Trevor mumbled, “I wish I could make you feel this good.”

“I doubt you have any idea what you make me feel.”

No, Trevor really didn’t, although he had to assume it was a mix of things. Their relationship had been complicated from the start. He doubted that would let up anytime soon. “Is it good or bad?”

“It’s a lot of things, Trevor.”

“Yeah...” Trevor believed that.

But, in his own heart, the way he felt about Adrian was rather simple. Yeah, there were complications from the outside, memories, indoctrinations, even present conflicts. But, in his heart, he knew what he felt, and he was scared for his heart because all of this could end so abruptly, for so many reasons, up to and including Adrian simply leaving him. But that didn’t stop his heart. And he really didn’t want to stop it anyway.

He knew, if he never took this risk he would never have what he really wanted. But why did he have to feel this way about a dhampir, of all people in the world?

Trevor smiled again and imagined a day when they smiled at each other and meant it. When they did lots of other things and meant all of them too. Not too much later, as drunk as he still was, the fantasy did fade into oblivion as they kept each other warm against the stormy night.


	13. Chapter 13

Waking up against someone was… an odd experience.

Yeah, Adrian  _had_ slept near Trevor before. But never against him, holding him. And, yeah, Sypha _had_ slept against Trevor, but Trevor hadn’t slept despite the lull. And, yeah, admittedly, he’d woken up against other people before, but those people had been as drunk as him, passed out and dead to the world.

This was so very different because, while Trevor had a hangover, again, and felt like he was dead, okay, dying painfully, he also cared a great deal about the person against him—a person who was apparently awake, if Adrian’s turning head was any proof, his chin grazing Trevor’s hair. The way Adrian’s pulse picked up helped prove he was indeed awake. Granted it was more like the dead coming alive than a racing heart, but maybe for Adrian that was a racing heart.

But no matter how much Trevor wanted to keep listening to that heartbeat, he pulled away then because his head was more about him now and, well, staying against Adrian seemed awkward, okay, fucking rapacious. Maybe if it hadn’t been a sympathetic shoulder he’d been sleeping on, it would have been a bit different. Maybe then Trevor wouldn’t have had to be disgusted with himself, his neediness and shitty judgement.

Could he possibly be a greater asshole?

Well, yeah, he knew he could be but didn’t want to go there with Adrian. He’d done enough damage as it was. How much could a person really be forgiven for, especially when they were nothing more than friends?

...Hopefully they were still friends, at least.

Adrian let him go, dropping his arm from Trevor’s shoulders. His hangover making itself well-known, Trevor stifled down a pained groan and forced himself to his knees. That was as far as he got before his headache and nausea got the better of him. He stopped dead, breathing shallowly, his body trembling again, and concentrated on not throwing up all over his legs.

It was still dark out, he noted through cracked eyelids, so it shouldn’t have been surprising there was still crap left in his stomach. But at least the rain had stopped, and he was kind of dry outside of his arse and feet and the parts that had been pressed to Adrian and himself. But the night had grown chillier. Noting it brought him to shudder.

Instantly, he missed Adrian’s warmth. He wanted to curl back up into it and suck it dry, the selfish bastard he was. He doubted Adrian really needed it anyway. The guy could survive in an underground tomb for a year, sleeping his life away. He doubted the dhampir really needed much of anything.

But Trevor didn’t curl back against him because Adrian still hadn’t said a thing although Trevor could feel his eyes on him. God, had the guy been awake the whole time, keeping vigil? Or, more likely, trying to hold back his disgust and not shove him away. Even if Adrian wasn’t disgusted, Trevor was repulsed by himself enough for them both, something he’d felt on an infinite number of occasions. Not that that had ever stopped him from drinking again. This time probably wouldn’t stop him either. The wondrous cycle of his life…

"It should be dawn soon."

Trevor startled at the sound of Adrian’s voice and instantly regretted the motion as his head and gut clenched hard. If Adrian knew the time of night though then he probably hadn’t slept. Or he could sense the passage of time as all vampires could. Or, hell, maybe he just had a really great sense of time, awake or asleep.

As much as Trevor cared and didn’t care about Adrian’s gifts at that moment, with a low growl, Trevor begged, "Could we not speak for a while?"

The words were to save them both. If Trevor did vomit, they’d have to move. He didn’t want to be near the smell. And he really didn’t want to move.

"That shit is poison," Adrian mumbled.

Fucking wholesome bastard….

"That’s kinda the point," Trevor ground out through gritted teeth.

Adrian blew a bit of air out but didn’t say anything more.

Trevor grit his teeth harder, making his jaw ache, trying to block out Adrian, the world. When that didn’t work, he brushed his tongue around the inside of his foul-tasting mouth. That obviously didn’t help anything either.

Maybe he should just throw up. His body obviously didn’t want whatever was still left in his stomach. No, puking wouldn’t get rid of his handover but as least he wouldn’t feel like vomiting anymore. He couldn’t come up with a better idea.

"Excuse me," Trevor growled and forced himself to his feet with miraculous effort that fortunately didn’t end with him landing on his face. He stumbled to a nearby tree and barely made it before he jammed a couple fingers down his throat and noisily vomited everything in his stomach. Each heave ended with gasping and coughing, tears running down his face.

When the retching and dry heaving finally stopped, after spitting a few times to vainly get rid of the horrid taste, Trevor realized he was still crying, loudly at that, and he bit his lip hard to stop it. But his mind wouldn’t stop bawling with everything running through his mind.

God, damn it all to hell. He needed a fucking drink. Badly. Unfortunately, any chance of one was probably smashed at the bottom of a pit. Unless he was willing and able to take a long hike to the nearest town, of course.

It was several minutes from the time he’d first stumbled away before he could be bothered to look up and in Adrian’s direction. A large part of him hoped the dhampir was long gone. No such luck. Adrian was watching him, and it drove an instant spike self-loathing that, in turn, lashed anger towards his friend.

"What?" Trevor blurted out, everything about him tinged with the frustration he felt.

The sun was beginning to rise, Trevor realized, when he could more easily see the hardness in Adrian’s jaw and eyes.

Good God, were they any good for each other at all? Was there any hope they could possibly be truly happy in each other’s presence, especially now that everything had been lost? Did Adrian even still want to have anything to do with him, outside of some apparent obligation to comfort him? And if Adrian did, was he just stupid as fuck for wanting it? Trevor already knew he was that stupid for wanting Adrian and the misery it was sure to bring.

God had to be laughing his ass off somewhere up there.

When Adrian didn’t react any more than that, Trevor shoved himself to his feet again with the help of the tree by him. His legs were wobbly but working well enough for him to shuffle away. "I-I’m going to wash up," he mumbled without turning his head.

Not really caring if Adrian heard, Trevor was surprised and not surprised that Adrian said nothing, did nothing to stop him. In a few minutes, every step surer with the rising sun that peeked over the retreating storm clouds, Trevor found himself at the stream that had grown over the course of the night. It was usually just a nice little brook. Now, it had some force behind it. Not enough to drag him though, even if he did manage to fall in it.

Well, maybe it was unwise to discount nature at that point, although the only thing he had left to lose at that point was his life. And who would have really missed that? Sypha? Maybe Adrian?

Trevor sucked in a shaky breath and then stripped as quickly as he could, down to his braies, and waded out into the frigid water. Crouching down, calloused hands scooped up the water and scoured his face, his mouth and teeth, trying to get rid of any hint of vomit and other foulness. Whiskers scratched at his hands, reminding him it’d been over a week since he’d last bothered to trim himself, one of his few efforts at selfcare. It was mostly to save himself from an infestation of fleas around his mouth since he’d never grown a taste for the little bastards. At that point, he was probably starting to resemble a street side beggar. As if that was really anything new.

Quick hand scrubbed whatever else he could reach. Then he drank a few heavy gulps of water because he knew his body needed it and got the hell out of there, shivering, teeth chattering. He was looking forward to the sun being overhead again. It probably wasn’t going to be as hot as the day before, but anything was better than this chill. He forced his clothes back on over wet skin. It was then that he noticed red stains on his shirt that he knew weren’t his own. They were too fresh. And he remembered what exactly Adrian had done the night before.

Out of all the people in the world, a dhampir had saved his life. Trevor tried to remember if he'd even thanked him for that noble, stupid act. Not that he could remember. He ground his teeth some more, surprised he even had any left to grind.

"Jesus... Am I ever going to act like a human being?"

If Sypha had been there to judge, she would have said a solid no. And he couldn’t deny it at that point. Hadn’t he been taught a single grain of courtesy by his parents? Well, probably, but he most likely hadn’t listened, too comfortable in his privileged life. Comfortable and self-righteous until he’d lost the people he loved most in the world.

...If only he’d realized just how much he loved them before that night, how fragile life could be even to people as unbreakable as his parents.

Wiping harshly at the tears, he trudged back through the woods, back to his home, if there was even anything left of it. He had to see it now. He had to know the truth. He couldn’t bear not knowing anymore, not with his parents tearing at his mind.

When he exited the tree line, ignoring his aching head, he saw Adrian standing right next to the edge of the cavernous pit in the earth. He could just barely see the remnants of the castle in its depths. He saw nothing of his own home. More tears appeared without warning and he wiped at them harshly and stiffened his body before he walked forward, towards Adrian.

When he was a few steps away, Adrian said, "I can feel my sword in there, but it’s stuck underneath."

His voice sounded so casual, like someone talking about the weather, and it instantly stewed Trevor’s gut some more. The dhampir’s voice was too calm, too matter of fact. Years ago, it’d taken Trevor weeks to stop crying at the slightest provocation. Adrian couldn’t already be this calm. He just couldn’t be.

But Trevor didn’t say anything. He just walked up to stand next to the other man. What he saw almost made him choke.

Inside the pit, it was a mess of stone, metal, glass, books, wood, artifacts, and swamp. The pit would probably take a good week to dry up completely, maybe less with some good direct sunlight. Then he remembered what had been in the fortress, what else could have been there. That water was probably already wrought with disease. There was no way he was wading through that, not even to recover anything that might have made it. Adrian didn’t seem inclined either even though he could have surely just floated down there and grabbed anything of interest.

They stood on in silence, both looking down, neither willing to break the stillness of the early morning that contrasted so greatly with that had happened during the night. It was a good hour before Trevor looked at Adrian instead, realizing that no matter how much he stared it wasn’t going to change a thing.

Unsurprisingly, Adrian didn’t look back, only tensed, like he was preparing for Trevor’s onslaught of a sympathetic arm. But, luckily or unluckily for Adrian, Trevor had never really been good at that shit. The hug he’d given Adrian the night before, well, he’d been drunk off his ass and so thrown out of what could be called some semblance of a normal life that he hadn’t known what else to do. Of course, soon enough, he’d come to realize he’d wanted that hug as much as Adrian did. Now...

Now neither of them wanted that kind of comfort. Right? Damn, he was good at lying to himself. He huffed at the thought.

That brought Adrian’s attention. Trevor found he couldn’t look away, couldn’t break the contact. So, they stared at each other for a good couple of seconds before Adrian said quietly, "I’m going to return to Gresit."

"Gresit? But why? What the hell is there, except for a bunch of corpses?" And then, even as he said the words, he realized why, the only reason why the dhampir could possibly want to go back there.

What the fucking hell? He couldn’t mean to...

Adrian broke eye contact and looked back at the mess before them.

Wide eyed, Trevor continued to stare at the side of his friend's face as his jaw worked a bit. Then he turned his whole body to face the other man. It took a few more seconds of being transparently ignored before Trevor managed to blurt out, "You’re not fucking going back there, Adrian! You’re not going to just curl up and die in that fucking tomb!"

And he was one to talk. His own impassioned words surprised him quite a bit, let alone Adrian who turned his head again to stare at him. The shock there in Adrian's normally impassive face... Had it been any other moment, Trevor probably would have laughed at it. But now, he was on the exact opposite side of laughing.

Because Trevor meant it, because he couldn’t bear even just the thought of Adrian doing that, Trevor growled, "You’re not!"

And why precisely couldn’t Adrian do exactly that? A grown man had a right to make such a decision, right?

Well, it was obvious to Trevor why: Because he simply couldn’t stand the thought of not being with Adrian. And it wasn’t until that moment that he realized exactly how much that desire had taken over his very soul.

There was no way no way in hell Adrian was going to dump him here, just to die for eternity, alone, in some fucking stony crypt!

Adrian opened his mouth.

Trevor could already hear the words, so he beat him with, "If you do, I’m going to be there in that fucking casket with you." He knew that would be the death of him. He wasn’t even sure he could do it if it came to it. But surely his dire intent to do it was nonetheless there in his voice, his face.

Mouth closing, Adrian stared at him. Trevor stared back, refusing to back down. He just couldn’t, not even if spending eternity alone was what Adrian truly wanted, not even if Trevor didn’t really have the right to interfere. He was doing it anyway. Fuck what Adrian wanted because, if that was what Adrian wanted, well, the dhampir was indeed stupid as hell. And, again, Trevor was one to think such things, but it was different when it was happening to someone he cared about so deeply. It just was.

"Trevor—"

"You’re not doing it. I..."

Trevor made his words trail off when he realized what he was about to say. Even at that moment, he couldn’t admit what he really, truly felt deep down. Maybe if he found some alcohol, he could, but at that moment, he was just too self-aware and afraid of rejection. Not getting what he wanted was better than full-out rejection.

But, either way, Adrian still wasn’t going back into that coffin if Trevor had anything to do with it. Even if Adrian fled from him at that moment, Trevor had no problem going to Gresit and dragging him right back out of the damned thing.

Adrian turned to face him full-on too then. There were so many thoughts visibly going over his face at that moment, but Trevor had no idea what they were. But he still didn’t back down. Adrian huffed, looking away, right before his face scrunched up like he was going to cry again. Trevor took a step forward, leaving a good couple of steps more between them.

"Trevor, I... I don’t know if I can do this."

"Do what?" Trevor huffed at the irony of this being so much like his own life, before he suggested, "Live?"

Adrian smiled weakly. "Maybe. Living... I don’t have much choice, do I?"

"We always have a choice. Even if they’re all shitty ones."

Smile deepening, Adrian looked out over the landscape instead of into the pit. "True."

"I want you to come with me. Come with me to Braila. Sypha is waiting for us there," Trevor blurted out before he lost his nerve.

That was truly the reason he’d come back here, after all, to get Adrian out of this place, to unite them, the three of them, so that they could just be together. Because that was when Trevor had been his happiest after so many years of hell. Happy for such a prolonged period, at least. Admittedly, he’d had a lot of happy moments just in these last three days, but they’d been short-lived and sparse. He wanted a lot more of them, tons of them, the greedy bastard he was.

Adrian jerked his gaze back to Trevor and stared as if it hadn’t been a thought in his head to go with them. Maybe it hadn’t been.

So, Trevor added a heartfelt, "Please," because he wasn’t sure what else to say and wasn’t too good to beg.

Adrian began to shake his head. Rather than stand by and watch it all slip away, Trevor closed the distance, leaving only inches between them, just enough to breathe comfortably but still feel each other’s breaths. He wanted to embrace him as well or at least touch him but didn’t dare. Because he was afraid if he did, he wouldn’t be able to stop, and it would have been embarrassing as fuck if Adrian had to pry him off again.

When Adrian still didn’t say anything, Adrian's whole body now tense but so insufferably unreadable, Trevor again said in a whisper, "Please."

"Do you have any idea..." The swell of nameless emotions in the other man... They were almost too much to bear.

Trevor swallowed and had to fight touching him. "No, I really don’t." When Adrian merely released a shuddering breath, Trevor added, "Tell me."

And then the other man was against Trevor, clutching the sides of his face, kissing him, begging Trevor to lose himself in that kiss that deepened so fast it was breathtaking. It was hard to remember that this was a copout, that Adrian hadn’t answered his request, at all. Did Adrian think this was enough of an answer? Or was this all he was willing to give? Really though, it was hard to care one way or another when having just this was more than enough to make Trevor happy.

And it wasn’t until that moment that Trevor realized he probably loved Adrian. Far more than was safe. Far more than his parents ever would have approved of. Far more than even he himself would have ever dared to allow himself to love someone.

Maybe it was just the moment. Maybe it was just because they’d lost everything, and Trevor was clutching. But would he really feel different tomorrow? He doubted it.

Their relationship had been rocky from the start. In the beginning, they’d despised each other. Then they’d loathed each other, found amusement in each other, liked each other. They’d bickered, teased, fought, flaunted, laughed. Over the weeks, they’d come to experience so many things together. Could he really be so surprised that he felt this way?

...And did Adrian feel anything even remotely similar?

If Adrian’s hungry mouth against him spoke words, Trevor would have had to say yes, but a body’s wants were considerably different than the heart’s and mind’s. He couldn’t know for sure. Did it really matter though? Well, he supposed it did. But he still kissed back, his arms clutching at the other man, bringing them together so that there was barely even air between them.

It was a good minute before Adrian pulled his head back enough to allow them to catch their breaths. Trevor was dizzy, his head pounding a bit still, but the rush of happiness running through him would have been difficult to dispel at that moment.

Trevor opened his eyes to Adrian searching his face. Impulsively, Trevor whispered, "Please come with me. I really don’t want to have to sleep with you in that fucking thing. I’m a bit terrified of small spaces."

A full smile showing off his pointed teeth, Adrian hacked a laugh. Good God, the man was beautiful when he smiled, Trevor couldn’t help but note. Well, admittedly, he was beautiful anyway, but smiling was only an improvement. It was a moment that Trevor promised he’d never make Adrian unhappy again, if he could help it at all.

Adrian kissed him again briefly and then pressed his forehead to Trevor’s, his eyes closing. They stood there together like that and Trevor enjoyed it as much as the kiss. Really, he would have enjoyed anything Adrian offered him. He was so deep, and he knew it, but he couldn’t care enough to try to stop, not with Adrian holding him like this.

"Fine. I’ll go with you."


End file.
